Catnip

04 | In Which Caleb Christens a Princess

"The cat. She's called Cinder."

"Like the Disney princess?"

He glowers. Daniel laughs and breaks out in a smile. "Relax. I'm kidding," he says. "God forbid anyone threaten your masculinity."

"Jesus Christ," Caleb groans. "You sound like Brittney."

"I can't help that Britt's a better person than all of us combined."

"Oh my god, that's obnoxious. You cheesy fuck. I bet you own matching sweaters too, right?" He scrunches his face up, although, in all honestly, he supposes it's kind of endearing. Straight guys aren't total trashbags, after all. Or at least not all of them. Come to think of it, maybe Daniel's just some bizarre exception. An anomaly, if you will.

"Anyway," Daniel says, "How was Cinder today? You think she missed me?"

"Oh, sure. We had a long, meaningful conversation about how much your absence affected her." He pauses before asking, "Where'd you go, anyway?"

"Britt's place. We have a study night every Friday."

"Oh, sure, a study night."

"I'm serious!" Daniel says, cheeks reddening. "I gotta get my grades up, impress her parents, you know? If they find out I'm failing chemistry then I won't be allowed to step foot in their house ever again."

"Just boast about the classes you're good at, then."

"What classes would that be?" He smiles weakly and leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. "Actually, that's a lie. I'm getting straight As in home ec."

"Home ec?"

"Hey, don't give me that face! I am a top class chef."

"You can't be a top class chef. You're a vegetarian. You live on rabbit food, for fuck's sake."

"Do you need to suffer from a mental illness to become a psychiatrist?"

"That is the worst metaphor I've ever heard. Like, offensively awful."

"You won't be saying that when you try my beef risotto."

"Dude, you don't even know what your beef risotto tastes like!"

"It's delicious," Daniel insists and smacks his lips. "Mouth-watering. I can prove it to you."

"Doubt it," Caleb says, although he's not so sure anymore.

Pots and pans clatter in the kitchen, followed by a round of expletives. Daniel's head snaps up, the concern in his eyes unmistakably genuine, but before he can say anything Marnie shouts, "I'm okay! Fucking spider," and he turns back around. Caleb's reminded of his earlier conversation with Marnie and figures he's got nothing to lose by putting his theories to the test.

"Wanna hear something funny?" he says, easing into the subject. The other boy looks up. "Your sister actually apologised for forcing the cat on me earlier."

"Oh. Wow. Um, that's something, huh?"

"Something unheard of, sure."

Daniel nods, eyes straying back to the TV, and Caleb analyses his reaction. There's nothing about his face that reads guilty, and it's hard to tell whether or not he's acting awkward because, well, he's always awkward. Still though, Caleb's convinced his theory is solid – that the real reason for Marnie's oh-so-heartfelt apology is sitting right in front of him. Which is weird, considering how Daniel's been all for siding with Marnie in the heated cat debate since it began.

He considers breaking their unspoken code of silence and asking him directly about it, but before he can voice his questions Marnie returns and throws herself down on the couch beside him, snatching the remote from his lap and pressing rewind.

"Hey!" he protests. "I was watching that."

"No you weren't. Anyway, we missed the jocks' funeral thanks to somebody interrupting."

"Sorry," Daniel says, and Caleb shoots him a withering stare.

"'I love my dead gay son,'" Marnie quotes, ignoring them both as she hits play. "Man, this scene kills me."

And so the three of them settle down to the remainder of Heathers, Marnie unable to quell her urge to quote each and every memorable line as the characters speak it. (And by every line, Caleb truly means every line.) He loves the movie, no question, but as it draws to a close he finds his attention drifting, less preoccupied by the fate of the sexy psycho and more concerned with other real-life matters.

(In other words, his infuriatingly stroppy sister.)

"Hey, what's a good way to make a moody brat smile?" Caleb asks as the credits roll up, earning himself a punch from his best friend.

"First things first," Marnie says. "Maybe don't call her a moody brat."

"Oh, please. She says much worse."

"Is this Maya we're talking about?" Daniel asks.

"Sadly, yes."

"You should take her to the game tomorrow!" Marnie says. "She can watch me kick ass."

"Or watch someone kick your ass."

"Take her horse riding," Daniel suggests before Marnie can launch her attack. "Or shopping for Cinder. She'll like that."

"How'd you know?"

"Haven't you seen her around that cat? She adores her. Hell, your best bet's to just hang out with her and Cinder all day long. She'll love that."

Caleb scoffs, which is to say not a fucking chance. Spending quality time with his sister and his cat? Get real. He'd rather have acupuncture needles pierced through his body, Final Destination style. And honestly, come on, as if he needs another reason to dedicate more time to that damn mutt. Cinder's already woven her way into almost every aspect of his life, a given topic of conversation with anyone he talks to. (In other words, his mother, Marnie and Daniel. Antisocial? Yeah right, Mom.) She is absolutely, positively not the solution he's looking for to his sister situation, not even as a last resort.

And he'll prove it.

"You know what?" he says, glancing between each twin in turn. "I think you're right, Marnie. Maya's always been a sports fan."

Marnie's face lights up. Daniel shakes his head in disbelief.