radiance | baekhyun

65

she cared deeply about mia. but at the end of it, she'd only thought of her own problems. 

but the aching in her chest really was not getting any better, and she needed to-- 

just then, her phone vibrated repeatedly. 

her small and almost-empty bedroom became very silent, aside from the other telling sound. 

didn't even have to look, to know who it was. 

she sighed, eyes twitching slightly, raking her hands through her hair. eyes continued to sting as she pressed her hand over them, and she turned her attention to a small scratch on her white wall. 

waited, until it stopped buzzing. 

roma properly felt the pain in her chest that hadn't seemed to go away, ever since she'd shut the door of that taxi, driving away into the dusty horizon. like it was constraining her, making it difficult to breathe properly. couldn't think, couldn't eat. wanted nothing more than for it to leave her in peace. 

unable to resist, she picked up her phone, and watched as the call faded into the list of the string of missed calls that she'd received from baekhyun. a week had passed since. adjusting was still not any easier than she'd assumed, or hoped, it would become. 

conflicting thoughts. 

she wanted nothing more than to just hear his deep and soothing voice, for him to tell her he was fucking sorry, or something like that, and those three words, and anything else that would make living like this less awful. what she couldn't bear was to hear him say anything that wasn't what she wanted him to. a few nights, in a row, at two in the morning, roma had contemplated calling him, too. to let him say what he wanted to say. to fill this space of darkness. 

her nerves always got the better of her, though. 

and she would shake her head, calling herself delusional, while throwing her phone across the room. 

roma had to start counting to three again. 

in her room, before going to sleep, the lights off. and that was when she felt it most of all. sitting, breathing heavily and deeply, in the darkened space of her small room. everything quiet. that was when the tingles shivered through her delicate and fragile frame, and the shadows crept up behind her, and she could feel herself slipping into her old self. 

nightmares. 

caused the hyperventilation, and the running intently but softly, so as not to wake her mum, to the bathroom across the hallway. she was always met with the stained eyes, red and puffy around the edges, lips chapped and trembling. cold water on her face sometimes helped to bring her back to reality and the current moment, but it never properly helped anything. 

the dark dreams came back to her. baekhyun was in every one of them, trying to pull her out of the gloom and dusk, shedding light, his voice trying to scream at her to stop, his hand reaching out to stop anything else from taking hold of her. the dark figures clawed at her feet, and whispered the words she'd once forgotten in her ears. 

she would awake with the pounding in her head and in her chest, sheets tangled, tears streaming down her cheeks, sweat pouring from her entirety, hoping to god that her nightmare hadn't woken up her mother. 

at times, the nightmares were different. sometimes the sunshine was a mere hazy, sunset-pink glow, and the rose colours would be splayed across the bed, and she could see and almost feel them. his voice would whisper against the shell of her hear, as she would lay there, numb but okay. happily complying and feeling the heat rising in between her legs. 

and then his hands and his mouth would be all over her, in a way that she wanted, in a way that didn't make her happy but made her feel whole and complete. but then it would change again, and the black and grey shadows would loom above baekhyun's frame, and he would yell something, and the smashing sound of the glass and lights would penetrate through her skull, broken glass shattering and splintering. 

and then it would end, and the darkness of her room would be felt all around her, as she would panic and try to breathe properly. tears and sweat and heart pounding. 

roma hadn't realised how dangerous her devotion towards baekhyun was. it hurt to think of him in that way. her happiness had, not relied, but been caused by him. the sunshine provided the glimmering and desired backdrop, of course, but he'd made it special. tried not to think too much, otherwise now the sunshine turned into a dim and dismal grey sky. 

everything clouded over.

the days passed, however. 

"hey, so...let's meet up at some point," mia's voice over the phone spoke almost immediately, as roma answered, balancing the plates and cutlery as she emptied the dishwasher. 

roma was slightly taken aback, although mia's tone was friendly and cheery. 

"um...hi, yeah. let's do that, for sure," she answered softly, smiling. 

"okay, nice...sorry, i, uh--how are things? been a bit busy since getting back home and stuff. i'm sure you're the same," mia continued. she sounded as if she was in the city, and as if she was walking briskly somewhere, the muffled noise of traffic and voices audible in the receiver.

"yeah, of course, no worries. yeah, just been sorting stuff for uni and doing a bit of reading prep for october," roma said, multi-tasking while wiping the kitchen counter with one hand. 

mia probably nodded, distracted. 

"how's your mum doing?"

roma sighed. 

"oh, you know how it is. the usual," she answered, adding a light laugh to the end of her response. 

she held the phone tightly to her ear.

"yeah, well...send her my love. i'll come by and say hi at some point."

"yeah, that would be nice."

a few seconds of silence. roma could still hear the dull vibrations of the thudding city centre distantly. 

"and how are you doing?"

the question was one filled with knowing and a genuine concern. roma felt her throat constricting slightly, her hand pausing her work, breathing becoming uneven. she tucked a piece of loose hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. 

"i'm...doing okay, yeah. things are a bit weird at the moment but...it'll be fine," she tried, hoping she sounded sure and confident, despite not being either of the two. "um, let's meet up soon, yeah?"

"yeah, we will. i will text you."

"okay. have to go and finish some work around the house but, yeah. speak to you soon." 

"yeah, yeah, sure. love you, girl. bye-bye."

"love you, bye," roma spoke softly, as mia cut the line off. and roma was left with the crackling sound of the radio and the pile of dishes that had gathered on the side of the sink, and the knowing that mia was there for her was supposed to be comforting and reassuring. 

couldn't breathe again. counted. 

moments like these, when the evening light seeped through the blinds, and everything had a golden, hazy tint to it, when roma felt so fucking alone. she put her phone down, and slid slowly to the ground, not sure what exactly that mia had said had sparked this sudden emotional outbreak. 

mum didn't care. you're not good enough, her mind screamed, plunging her into oblivion. the floor was harsh beneath her. he never loved you. the darkness was coming back for her. 

her tears were hot and heavy as they stung her eyes and skin, and his name left her mouth in a broken and pathetic whimper, and she wanted him here, and nothing else. 

//