Rants and Random Stuff

Insecure

All my friends tell me that I'm pretty and that I have a great body, I don't buy it. They're my friends they're supposed to say that. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you the struggle of my self-esteem.

Back when I was younger, I was so confident. I was that funny guy then always made everyone laugh. Not that I'm not funny now but when I was younger I was just more confident with it. Then, puberty hit around with grade. I started getting less and less confident and more and more insecure and suicidal. But the suicidal stuff is for another day.

Around sixth grade is when it became really bad. My anxiety was getting to be a problem, I wouldn't make the class laugh like I used to, now if they were laughing at me it was something that made me feel worse about myself.

I would look at the ground when I walked through the halls, wouldn't talk to anyone but my friends or teachers unless I was forced to. It was bad. But then I regained some of my confidence through my at the time boyfriend. He was also a jokester and he seemed confident but once he told me that he was insecure too and that he had cut before.

But all good things come to an end, and we broke up. I went back to being the little insecure girl I was.

My anxiety went through the roof in seventh grade, all because of my math teacher. He made me feel like I was nothing and that I was failing at everything. But seventh grade is also when I got confident, well, kind of.

One moment I would be so confident that I could wear a skin tight dress to school, and the next I would feel ugly in some loose jeans and a baggy sweatshirt.

It was hard, everyone around me saying that I am beautiful but then there's me not believing it. Saying that they would want my body but, I don't want it.

I had my first body positive response to a "I want your body" text. I said to myself "everyone wants my body, maybe I should just love it" but that moment lasted for about 10 minutes, and I was back to hating myself.