without you [jenlisa]

Jennie.

"Jennie, please focus." Coach has been nagging me all morning because I haven't been paying attention to practice. I am so distracted. Probably because I haven't had much sleep last night, or for the last week. I've been crying my eyes out every night, every morning, every damn time. I'm so fucking pathetic. I can't even function normally.

But fuck. Lisa, I'm so sorry.

I know it's my decision but, I regret it so much. God knows how much. Everything's so difficult to deal with these days. Homework, practice, sleeping, eating. It feels like everything's a chore and I hate doing chores.

I can't stop thinking about you though. How are you doing? What's happening with you lately? Are you okay? Do you still cry? All these questions, unanswered forever probably because you hate me so much.

Hate. That's the only thing I know you're incapable of. But what I did to you, to us, deserves your hatred. I did this to us. I broke our hearts. I made us miserable. I know you think I'm doing okay because everytime you try to say hi, I ignore you. But I just can't look at your face and your tired eyes. You smile everytime we pass by each other but sometimes I just can't do it anymore and I cry in the bathroom. Lisa, can't you see I'm trying to be strong? Why is it so easy for you to tear down all my walls?

So far I think you're doing much better. Your grades are beyond compare and you've been joining these dance competitions you've always wanted to join. I always liked it when you dance, you were so good at it.

But shit, I ruined everything. All those happy days, gone forever. I know you and I will never be the same again. I'll never get to kiss those sweet lips. I won't get to drown in your big dark orbs that I love so much. And it's all because I chose to broke your heart.

I remember breaking up with you in one of my favorite places which I now loathe. Everytime I pass by there to go home from school, my brain automatically flashes back everything that afternoon. I remember you were so happy to see me back then, because we haven't visited that place in ages. I didn't know how to break the news to you. You looked so happy. I never knew I'd have the courage to break the heart of my one true love. But they were watching me.

You never said a word. I thought we meant nothing to you because you just stood there and cried. I tried making shitty reasons about how I wasn't really happy with you and how I don't think this relationship's ever gonna work. But you looked at me with such intense pain in your eyes and I knew immediately how hurt you were. I was expecting you to hit me or slap me in the face. I would rather have that reaction than you looking me straight in the eyes like you were searching something that sensible at that moment.

It started to rain. I know that I have to leave now or else you'll see me break. I have to go Lisa. They were watching.

Every night I would remember everything we had for the last 2 years. I'd hug the plushie toy you won for me in the state fair. You were trying so hard to pop all the balloons and I thought that was cute. I wish the toy smells like you because I miss you so much and it hurts.

I remember those times when you tried teaching me how to bat and pitch. I remember hitting you accidentally with the ball and me overrunning you in the field. You gave me one of your jerseys as a sign of good luck and I wore it everytime I watched you compete. You'd always look for me before you pitch and wink at me. It made my heart flutter Lisa. It still does.

I always liked your presence even before we were together. You were so funny. Even though half of your jokes were either corny or cheesy, they'd still make me smile. Your aura was different and it was contagious. Just seeing you laugh makes me laugh too. No wonder you have so many friends. But from all the guys and girls who had interest in you, you still chose this bitch face.

But there was this one instance when my dad knew about us. He accidentally saw us having dinner while having occasional kisses. My dad's rarely home. But he thinks he knows better even though he doesn't even know me. He thinks he's doing good at what he thinks is parenting.

My dad hates homosexuals. At first he tried sending me away, but it didn't work. I had so much potential in my current school and had so many opportunities. He tried stopping me from seeing you but he can't help that we were both in the same school.

Lisa, I tried being strong. I would always talk back to him, trying make him understand that we weren't doing anything wrong. I would always fight with him and against his backward thinking but somehow he would always find a new way to hurt me. I'd turn to my mom all the time but she can't do anything either.

I told you that I was busy because of gymnastics practice so you wouldn't bother me but the truth it that he started hurting me physically. I would wear sunglasses in school to prevent other people from seeing my black eyes. I didn't want you to get worried, Lisa. You have so many things to think about.

But he had this last weapon against me. He threatened to hurt you too. He said that if I don't break up with you, he'll kill you.

I thought at first he was just scaring me. I know my dad's twisted but I didn't think he would go that far. But he started showing up in our school and would always assure me that I can see him. Then I knew that if he can hurt his own daughter, he can hurt you too.

I know I should've told you Lisa. But I don't want my dad to go to jail too. I know that things would get serious quickly as soon as I told you.

So I did the stupidest decision I have ever made in my life.

I chose to broke your heart.

I'm so sorry Lisa. I just can't stand the sight of you hurt because of my father which is due to me. I don't want you to get hurt because of my father's homophobia. No one deserves that kind of hate. And here I am, trying to shield you from all of these. I'm sorry Lisa.

I love you so much Lisa. I hope you still know that even if it doesn't show. I bring nothing but trouble to you. I hope that one day you'll get to move on and start living anew. Hopefully I'll learn to let go of you too. Soon enough I can finally look you in the eyes and give you a smile when we pass by each other in the hallways. I would hold on to the necklace you gave me and maybe someday I'll wear it again. I know it's wishful thinking but I hope we meet in the future again. And this time at the right place and at the right time.

I'm so sorry Lisa.

I guess I have to learn to live without you.