Mei (boyxboy)

10. Li Hua

We are rushing through the foliage. Our feet squelch through the mud, slowing us down, trying to keep us in place. I wonder if even the earth knows what I am planning. There isn't much time left. I know what I need to do to give Mei the best chance to get across the River. The closer we get to the edge of the forest the more nervous I get. I am not afraid of death, but there's so much I regret. I regret not protecting Mei better. I regret that life has pushed us to the point where leaving is the only way to live. I regret that this society won't accept Mei or any man with a weaker more slender physique. I regret that I haven't showered Mei with enough love, and that he may not believe the depth of my affection for him. What I regret the most is how our family was torn apart by pain and fear. I hate that the man that I loved changed into a stranger I don't recognize. I hate most of all that despite all of the abuse Gao Chen has put me through these past 7 years, I still love him and I don't regret marrying him.

Maybe it's because he gave me Mei, my greatest gift. Maybe it's because he accepted me for who I was those first 10 years. Maybe it's because he had made me a stronger person. Or maybe it's just because he never asked me to obey and he just created a warm home that gave us happiness. Though 7 years changed everything, I had hoped for the return of that home. Now that I am facing my demise, I think of the happy times and how once upon a time I loved life and lived it to the fullest.

As we are getting closer and closer to the grasslands I stop Mei. I squat down with him and give him all of the information he needs to escape Ann Country, our homeland. I hand him a wooden box with the last things I have to give him. I don't know if I am sending him to a worse demise, but I hope I am sending him to begin a new life, a better life. Before we set off for good, I want to give him my last words of love. I need him to understand that he has never been the cause of the fracture of our family. I need him to know that he is our most precious gift, and I never regretted having him as my most beloved child. My grasp his face and touch my forehead to his. I want to feel him and somehow transfer all the love I have to him. I pull him into a tight hug and breathe in his scent. He smells like pine and the fresh earth after a rainy day. His warmth surrounds me and I can hear his strong heartbeat. This is my baby, this is my prince. I have wronged you, but now I hope I can make it right. I tell my Mei, "I just felt like letting you know how I feel. I haven't told you I love you in a long time. I hope you don't forget that I have always loved you and that though I haven't been able to shield you from pain, I will do everything in my power to protect you..." Even at the cost of my life. But I don't tell him that, because he will panic and become stubborn about not leaving. I may have taught him to obey, but he is my child after all. Just as I used to rebel I know that he too rebels in small ways, but if the cost is too large I know that despite all of my teachings he will dig his heels in and refuse.

We are at the edge of the forest, Mei is ready to run. I can see his muscles bunching up, his feet digging in and his body leaning forward in preparation. His head bends down a little and shoots off into the grass. I can see that he is making sure to be silent and fast. That's my boy! I feel proud. But now is not the time. I wait. I need to come out exactly when he needs the most help. To distract them for as long as possible until he gets across. If I leave to early they will deal with me easily. I wait. He reaches the half way mark and a warrior starts looking in his direction. It's time.

I run out into the grass being careful, trying to stay hidden, but making enough noise to draw attention. If I'm too obvious they will detect a ploy. It works! The warriors look towards me, overlooking Mei. I run in random directions making sure never to stay too long in the same place. There's a lot of yelling and shooting. I see Mei dive into the River. Just a little longer. I need to hold out for just a little longer. As long as I see Mei make it across then I will be satisfied. I keep moving, and I can feel the shots grazing my body. Their aim is getting better, and they are able to keep me in their line of sight. I duck a little more trying to use the grass as camouflage. I look towards the banks of the River on the other side and I see Mei dragging himself out of the water. Success! I was stationary for a little too long, and I got up a little too much to look at the other side. I hear a gunshot and my body jerks. The pain is spreading through my entire body and I look down to see blood spreading over my robe. My body slowly falls towards the ground and I can feel my life leaving me. I feel like I'm dreaming a beautiful dream. The last thing I see as my vision turns black is a memory from 17 years ago.

Gao Chen surprises me by returning home early. I get a shock as he hugs me from behind. I had been rocking Mei to sleep, but my jolt wakes him up. Mei had always been a quiet baby, he never made a fuss. He slowly awakens as his eyes blink, still blurry from sleep. Gao Chen places his chin on my shoulder and looks down at our child as Mei yawns cutely. Gao Chen looks at us with adoration in his eyes and he promises, "I will always keep our family safe."

I feel like I hear Gao Chen's voice screaming with grief while I'm dreaming my beautiful dream, but I can no longer see as I surrender to a comfortable sleep.