Desultory

Unnamed

    Everything about the world had turned monotone. The midnight office lights in the skyscraper windows, the colored fountain in the city square, and the street concerts on Saturday nights. The basement parties at restaurants, the busy and expensive cars in rush hour, and the neon lights of the night clubs. The red brick roads and grey sidewalks were all she felt like walking.
    That evening it was clear skies and warm air. The moon was bright in the sky and the atmosphere was comfortable temperature wise. But she wasn't comfortable. She felt an intense pressure in her chest. Her heart was hammering her insides and her lungs felt like they could collapse at any moment. She held her breath for a while.
    She hated the weather that night. She felt like the universe was rubbing everything in her face. How was everyone just going about like everything was normal? Because everything was normal.
    Everything is going wrong, but that's just normal, isn't it? Nothing revolves around one person. She was having a mental breakdown over someone, but the young man walking a few feet behind her got a promotion that day. The man in the bar around the corner lost everything he worked so hard for, but his ex wife is now rich as could be. The woman in the building beside her sat in her luxurious home, but still felt empty. Everything was going wrong, but that's normal.
    She walked a bit quicker along the pavement. She questioned herself of everything. Why did he leave? What could she have done to make him stay? What does she have to do to keep happiness in her life? Why wasn't her existence good enough for him to keep a little longer?
    Rivers ran down her face in rage. But all of it would just change to defeat. She was crying over love. It seemed ridiculous to her on the outside, but what she felt within herself made her cry harder.
    Everyone told her that she didn't need him and that he didn't deserve her. What if she did need him, but he deserved something better? He deserved the time she couldn't give him. He deserved the opportunities of others. He didn't deserve someone who said they'd give him the world, but couldn't. Maybe she did give it to him. Maybe it wasn't enough.
    She wanted to blow off steam and to get away for a while. Walking seemed to make her mind spin more. She tried running and reading and watching a movie. She tried drinking and eating and blasting music. The moment she turned it off the agony would flood back. All the days of pure sweetness tasted sour to her now. She couldn't let it go, though. She didn't want to feel that pain, but she didn't want to let go of him.
    She fell in love. Again, she thought it was ridiculous. But it was true to her. She fell in love with someone and he couldn't deal with her anymore.
    She stood outside an old bookstore. It made her think of him. Almost everything did. The smell of the aged paper as they searched for a new story together. The little pub a few streets over where they would listen to live artists. The park where the flowers were strong in the summer and they picked their favorite ones to give to the other.
    "I love you." They said those sacred words so many times. They shared many secrets and memories that it haunted her. Her dreams became nightmares.
    She was told that she'd just have to get over it. She believed that for a while. Now that she was frozen there for a while she picked up on the truth. She would never truly get over it. Not him. He was too special.
    She made her way back towards home and it finally began to rain. Of course she sobbed more. The world showed her some mercy for once. She felt all the tension in her body pour out and drip onto the pavement with the rain. She didn't want to feel any of it anymore.
    Suddenly her apartment door was in front of her and she realized that she had been staring at it for an absurd amount of time. She stepped inside. She took a breath.
    She knew that when she woke up the next day she'd feel that sorrow again. But she crawled into bed and turned off all the lights. She listened to the rain on the window and let it distract her. For the first time in a long time, her mind let her breathe. She said a prayer and she drifted off into a rare peaceful sleep.
    She had no dreams that night, but she had no trouble sleeping. She prayed for a better tomorrow and a life of love. Her prayer would be answered.