Some people can choose to believe this is all just fiction, and some can choose to believe this is all my true emotions. Despite what you do believe, I've decided to use this as an outlet because I feel as if I can't talk about my feelings to the people closest to me. Don't ask me why because I don't know myself. I figured I'd come here and post an open diary of sorts. I can't just write stuff down that no one will ever see, I always feel like the feelings are still trapped inside. But I figured posting a diary that people may see but I never openly tell people about, may catch a fee glances and then I'll feel a little more at ease. And maybe people will reach out to me with similar feelings, but if they don't they don't and it's no biggie to me. Hopefully if my friends do see it though, they don't get mad that I didn't just tell them. Sometimes I feel as if people don't understand that I literally can't just outwardly confess and discuss my feelings.
Lately I've felt so fucking isolated. My friends are all growing up and I feel like I'm stuck behind screaming at them to wait but they don't. Obviously I'm growing up to, just not in the ways they are. I'm so scared all the time. The only one of my friends I ever really see is Madison. And ironically enough she's the one friend in my group who is like me in the sense where we both really don't like to drink or smoke. We both try, but we don't make it a habit. Maybe thats why we never seem to be the first ones people contact with plans. Or maybe it's cause we both don't work. Everyone else works all the time and are almost always busy. Or maybe it's cause when I finally get the courage to ask people to make plans they've already made plans with other people.
This has to be the worst summer of my life. I had one really good week and suddenly everything went to shit. I don't know what happened. Maybe it's cause of the planets being in retrograde or maybe this is all purely hormonal due to the fact it's that time of the month. Regardless, I went from being on top of the word to feeling like nothing mattered. I've also been having really bad anxiety issues lately and I don't know what brought it on. It could easily be the constant thought in my mind that my best friend is moving in about a month and I've seen him maybe twice since the summer started. Or maybe the thought that eventually almost all my best friends will have moved away for a period of time and I just can't fathom the idea even though I know they're all going on to bigger and better things. I'm so fucking scared.
It feels like everyones drifting apart from me. It feels like I can't breathe.
I've always been that person who would move mountains for my friends. But anymore it feels like no one would move mountains for me. I feel incredibly selfish for saying that because all my friends are so fucking amazing. My friends are my absolute life. But I just wish one day someone would surprise me while I'm sitting home alone all summer. Or someone would ask me first to hang out. Just the little things, I guess.
I miss last summer, when every single day I felt like I was on top of the world. Or even summer 2016, which had to have been my absolute favorite summer. I miss those really long and good moments in life. Junior year, especially the whole second semester, felt like a dream. And I wish I didn't wake up from that dream. After last summer I just feel as if everything has been going to shit. As soon as it starts to be good again, something happens. Whether it be drama between people or simply my anxiety coming back for more.
I just want to be okay again. I really hope this summer starts to look up at some point. Because all I wanted this summer was to make so many memories with my friends while I can before they all left, and yet I feel as if I've barely seen any of them since the school year ended. I miss them so much it physically hurts.
