Shattered Life

Love Lost Forever

Today is a day I have been dreading for it to happen and then to find it has happened anyway, it cannot be wished or wanted away. It has to be 'Done' alone without knowing where to turn to for help or even how to ask because there was not a a one to ask. Silent and alone were her bed fellows she wanted to lie there forever till it all went away, it had gone away for a while she had started to have a dream that she allowed herself to dream it would be true. She had started to plan her dream even to the extent of making it start to become reality a couple more months if her planning was right then it would become a paid up for dream, the other part to support herself while she lived in and within her dream she didn't care if food was less it wasn't for her to have a holiday. But it was the other thing she had to do while she was there that's what was part of a dream to say a final 'Goodbyes' to the one who held still her heart, even though his had stopped beating two nearly three years ago she was making her dream happen. But before all that could or Would happen she had life reality to face slowly by her own force she arose from her bed did all she needed to become ready for the day tied to find that confident person who looked at her in the mirror last week but she wasn't showing the confidence she had within herself only last week. When she had promised herself wait till Monday wait till then to start the ball rolling in a new direction officialdom had to be faced now before she had a promise of it being all ok when it wasn't and she knew it would never be alright ever again so why did she hide it away from herself because the knowledge scared her of who she was now and how low life had taken her to the very black depths of her soul she had a fight on her own hands without any weapons she had given in to her feelings of despair. Still from somewhere inside of her dying cask of her body there was such a smallest glimpse of light still burning still saying your 'Alive' so the badness has happened as it was going to so use what you know to Adapt, adjust and Overcome as his words flowed into her mind almost as if still he spoke them still. She heard them words speak to her she could never remember the Adjust word in his saying she thought it came from his Army time so she knew the whole saying had come from him. And because of her much wanted dream of helping him rest not on a lonely shelf in her bedroom but in a place a country he loved in life she knew he would have returned in life to live there in later life, that was his 'Dream' so in death she knew he would love to be there still. It was up to her to make Their Dreams happen together for a very last time but first today was a Monday the Monday she had to go on from suffering from like second death that now her career had now passed away to be no more part of a life she had loved more than living itself, she to them was dead and gone moved on from remembering about her some who didn't know she hoped their thoughts of her would be kind when they found her gone and why and what happened. More than ever alone in life and ...... she let that thought float away like a bubble bursting in the air her bubble had burst too what had she to do today to move on well first there was the signed paperwork to pick up without that she couldn't move onto it's next step and to becoming the new person she had reinvented herself a new person with a new name all legally done it had given her a small up feeling when she had decided on who she was to be now and who she was before became her second name. It was as complicated as she was as a person which made her smile only slightly but a smile none the less. She didn't care the effects of what she had done to other people they had shown her less than nothing of interest since ...... so why show her interest now of being horrible feelings towards her she didn't need that happening again she had too much to do than to let them affect her and her mind. Some she would be and always would be to them the same person and the only name they knew her by ...... but she hoped to have a future somewhere out there and to them her introduction would be her New Self with a new named person and an old identity gone forever. So now all she had to do was make it Happen make it Begin but she was still that very Scared Person that when she told the truth about her old life and it's bad ending. She could find Someone who could believe in her the her she is could be again not the what happened before because that wasn't the real her. BELIEVE IN HER BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN ME AT ALL.