Counterpoint

Chapter 78

   "Holding your breath for a few seconds can stop you from hyperventilating." He whispers, his voice unsteady. "I didn't know you were prone to panic attacks." 

   "There is a lot that you don't know." I croak in response. 

   "The feelings mutual." He pulls me to his chest, holding me close with a gentle strength that surprises me. "Don't talk anymore, just breathe."

   "Don't tell me what to do." I grumble in his chest. He hushes me, running his fingers through my curls with practiced ease. "Alex, I'm scared." 

   "Don't get yourself all worked up again." He murmurs. "I'm scared too." 

   "You are?" The words slip past my lips gently, my voice cracking with the strain from my burning throat. 

   "Of course I am." A sigh escapes him as his fingers still. "Everything is changing very quickly. I am worried about how you are handling all of this in that unspoken part of your brain." I glance up at him quizzically, a small grin curling at the corner of his lips. "You know the one, that specific part of your brain where everything you wish you had said or want to say is swirling around like a storm and you force yourself to face it all alone. That scares me, but that isn't all of it." I say nothing as I lower my head back down to his chest, listening to the quiet roar of his heartbeat. "I'm also terrified that I am going to lose you after all of the dust settles. When you have your baby in your arms and your mind is clear, that's when you are going to realize that my presence isn't what you desire in your life any longer." 

   My fingers clench tightly around the loose hanging fabric of his shirt. He says these things with such certainty. It doesn't feel like he is giving me much of a choice in this situation. 

   "That sounds like a farewell, Alexander."

   "I have been considering what I would say to you if that moment is to come." 

   "You can never just leave things alone." I grumble. "I am the one who is terrified about being a father and you are making a decision for me that I am not quite certain I want to make just yet." 

   "You will be a good father Thomas." 

   "You don't know that." His shirt muffles my words slightly as I bury my face into the soft fabric. The warmth of his skin radiates through the fabric and strikes my skin like sunlight. His scent claws at the nostalgic and wounded portion of my subconscious, begging with me to sink deeper into him and allow myself to just disappear for a while. Let my mind go blank and for just a moment have all of my worries melt away into obscurity.

   "I do, you have the heart and tenacity for it." My eyes slide shut as his hand ghosts over my hair, sending steady streams of chills down my spine. "Your daughter will be lucky to have you, and if you need it you will have all the support you could ever need?"

   "From you?" I question softly, my hold on his shirt tightening ever so slightly as he pauses.

   "If that is what you want." 

   "What I want...I want a lot of things, but a lot of what I had wanted has not been as perfect as I had thought." My life with Martha comes to mind and bitter waves wash over the memories as I wonder just how many other important secrets she has concealed from me. Gentle rays of sunlight peek through the bitter darkness as Alexander's voice pierces through the cloud cover with precision.

   "Life is hardly so simple." He muses. "Nothing will ever be so conveniently gift wrapped and easily understood. If it were there would be no more opportunities for growth or true displays of strength." 

   "Why does everything have to be a battle with you?"

   "That's just how I have learned to live." His head shakes from side to side slightly. "I'm sorry if that isn't how you view the world. I can only offer you my perspective and understanding."

   "Well your perspective is rather narrow." His muscles tense underneath me in offense, but not a word slips past his lips. "There are some beautiful and gentle parts of life that you are electing to ignore entirely. That isn't how to live." Silence hangs between us as he brushes my hair with his fingers. Air hisses into my body as I take a deep breathe. "I don't want you to disappear from my life Alexander. That isn't what I envision when I think about what my life will be like after tonight." 

   "What do you see?"

   "You and me...with a baby. Being together without thinking that it was wrong, because it isn't. I don't want to have to lose you to gain my daughter, there has already been enough loss." His fingers grip onto my curls with a possessive strength that ignites a flame in my chest, the warmth flicking and eating away at my muscle and bones. "You always do things that I don't expect. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to fully accept what you have done, but I hope that I can someday come to fully understand you and your actions. That would be enough for me right now." 

   "Don't you think that you deserve more than that?"

   "Perhaps," I sink my teeth harshly into my bottom lip. "But my love for you is inconvenient, it makes all of that insignificant to me. All I can think about is how much I love you and just how lost I would be if you ever left me."

   "Thomas." He cradles me in his arms, his fingers holding onto my curls with all of his strength. 

   "Please don't leave Alex. I love you. I love you so God damn much." 

   "I won't leave." He whispers in comfort. "I told you already that I am going to be here as long as you want me to be."

   "I love you." Fading tears fall from my lashes as I hide my face in his chest and cling to him as tightly as I can, the muscles in my arms and hands beginning to cramp.

   "I love you too."