The Way We Feel

Chapter 21

But what I hadn't counted on was the new way my brain perceived it all, and we each got emotional more than once.

In the grocery store, I stared down the aisle of baby food, diapers, and the like—froze there, hands gripping the handle of our half-full cart, and imagined an alternate version of myself casually strolling down that aisle, a gurgling baby in the cart grabbing at all the colorful jars of baby food with chunky fingers.

Harry had led me away with a gentle smile, and the tears that had formed in my eyes didn't spill over.

While walking around the city, I tried to put my focus on admiring the different kinds of architecture all the buildings had to offer, the sunshine, the smiling faces of passers-by enjoying the beautiful spring day, the delicious food in our favorite restaurants, and the people we'd gotten to know who worked in each of them.

But in all those places, families found me. Mothers and babies. Doting fathers, young and old. Laughing children. Crying infants. Mothers pushing strollers. Bottles being catapulted out of those strollers and frustrated parents trying not to draw too much attention to themselves for fear of annoying other people.

And I imagined myself in their shoes. Bouncing a baby girl or boy in my arms, smiling with pride when someone in passing commented how beautiful he or she was, trying not to explode with happiness when Harry lifted the baby into his arms, and hoping I could remain calm if and when the baby cried in a public place.

All of it was horrible, but all of it was necessary. There was no point trying to hide myself away from reality while I grieved because this was life. Families, babies, all that love—it's what life was all about. And just because I'd experienced this loss didn't mean I begrudged other people their happiness. I couldn't do that and I couldn't avoid seeing that happiness.

But I was glad Harry was with me. Glad I didn't have to witness everything I wanted out of life for the first time afterwards without him by my side. It was hard enough having him there to grab onto in a particularly painful moment. I didn't know what I would've done had I been by myself in the baby aisle of the grocery store, or alone in a restaurant booth watching a young family nearby enjoy each other.

Because I had him, I was able to get through it. And each day afterwards had become a little bit easier because of him.

Which didn't make telling my family much easier, but at least, having faced some of the sadness over the course of my everyday life, I felt a little bit stronger in telling them.

That was a few days ago, and I'd only personally told Mom. Harry and I had made the trip out here the other day when we knew she'd be home alone.

She'd told everyone else.

"Okay," Will said from his seat across the table from me, staring at me with a careful smirk. "What do you want us to talk about?"

My smile came a little easier. I was grateful to him for trying to rally. "I don't know. Someone's gotta have some news or something from the week, right?"

"Ooh, I got into a fight with a lady at the grocery store the other day," Emily offered.

"Perfect," I said, already amused. "Let's hear that."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Not again."

Emily snapped her gaze to him. "What?"

"I've heard this story a dozen times already," he said, talking over a mouthful of potato.

Emily looked stricken. "But you said I was right!"

"You were right! How many times do you need to hear it?" Mark said, the beginning of a smile on his lips.