I get the question "Are you okay?" a lot. Its almost an everyday thing. It's my natural response to say yes, but sometimes, if it's too bad, I'll tell the truth.
The truth is, I'm not okay, but I will be okay. I'm just going through something temporary, it's nothing. I will get over it. It's probably that I'm upset that I got a failing grade, or I don't really feel too good. That my stomach hurts or something along the lines of the situation being minor.
But, if I told you the harsh and complete truth with no sugar on top or with no happy ending, you would know that I am not "okay." That there is no "okay" and there will never be and okay in my life. Beyond the Michael Kors bags and designer clothes and shoes, lies a harsh life and many tears to go with them. If I told you the story, you would never believe me. But everything is not as it seems. Behind every smile is an aching heart with no place to call home. With every tear is a reason I don't even wanna live, but for the sake of my family. I do.
Suffocating some nights under the sounds of my family arguing over the bills or who cheated on who. Sometimes dragging me into situations I had nothing to do with. Other nights I spend with flashbacks of the previous arguments and sexual abuse at the hands of family. Nights I cannot bare, I wake with terror in my eyes at the devil's hour and when I sleep again I cannot move. I could not sleep without my mother there in fear that the shadows on the wall were coming for me at night to kill me. 6 years later I still cannot sleep alone but yet I desire to be alone.
My attitude is horrible and sometimes I cannot control the crippling and anxiety that is constantly whispering in my ear 24 hours for 7 days every week. All. Year. Long. I am incredibly sorry to my future husband or wife, whichever the case maybe, because who knows where I am heading in this life of sin. I am sorry if I ask you if you still like me every hour on the hour because I am living in the fear that you could possibly just walk away like everybody else that I have ever been in love with.
I am truly sorry that if one day I end up relapsing uncontrollably and end up losing my life because I cannot handle myself and who I am and what I do. But I promise that I can try my hardest to be the happiest person in front of you and everyone else because no one likes a depressed ass person. To anyone still reading this, I hope this does one thing for you. It opens your mind and your heart as this autobiography is purely unscripted, raw, and beautifully flawed. Just like me. Enjoy.
