Prologue: In Which I Introduce Myself

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My name is Adam Meltzer. The last thing I remember was being stung by a bee while swinging at a robot- shaped piñata on my twelfth birthday. I was dead before the candy hit the ground.

That’s right, I’m dead. But I’m alive . . . ish. The ‘ish’ is important. I’m the walking dead. Talking too. It’s awkward and gross, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You see, I died and then I came back . . . as a zombie.

Yep, there it is.
The big ‘Z’.

It’s a loaded word and makes most people think: brainless, cannibalistic monster. And if you think that too, then I hope these memoirs change your mind.

I still have a brain; I mean, how else would I be telling you all this? As for cannibalism, I have no interest in eating people. Even rare steak gives me indigestion and really bad gas. And my table manners are simply too good to accept the label of ‘monster’.

I died, and now I’m back – zombified. Apparently there was a funeral, which I don’t remember, and then a really dark grave, which I definitely do. It’s hard to forget climbing up through two metres of dirt.

And I should tell you; I don’t like dirt. Or mess.
Or filth.
Of any kind.

The school guidance counsellor called it ‘early onset’ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I say that when it comes to germs, it’s better to catch them too early than too late. She also said I worry too much.

But I say: there’s a lot to worry about.

I worry about running out of shampoo. I worry about the factories that make nut-free candy and yet cannot guarantee that they’re made in a nut-free environment. I worry that there are no air bags in school buses. I worry about robots rising up against humanity. I used to worry a lot about dying, but I suppose I can cross that off the list now. But thanks to my unhelpful guidance counsellor, I now have to worry about worrying too much; so the list doesn’t get any shorter.

This is my strange story, and I swear on a stack of vintage comic books that it’s all true. So read on, if you dare.

But please wash your hands first. With antibac soap and hot water.

Ideally twice.

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