It was a cool brisk day and she could feel the wind hit her face as she watched the fall leaves dropping form the trees surrounding her. Winter was here. It was December, and everyone was in the Christmas mood. But she on the other hand was quite the contrary. This Christmas she felt somewhat distant and lonely. She had, had a hard year and felt exhausted from everything that seemed to just hit her day after day without ceasing. She felt like everyone and everything just wanted to keep breaking her and pushing her down. She was so tired and felt like she couldn't get any lower. She knew there was a reason for all this, but what could it possibly be? I mean her she was again, back at square one, but this time she was unsure of her destination she just felt like she was aching to find a reason, a purpose, a source for this pain, hurt, and shame. She hating hurting all those around her. But she couldn't even say "I love you" to someone not even her own mother without it hurting every part of her inside. She wanted to feel like herself again but she didn't see or even understand how that would or could happen. The state she was in, she just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide herself away from the world and everyone in it.
Every time she had put herself out there, she was used, abused, and heart broken. How could she feel worth it when she felt like no one has taken the time to show her that. She knew her family had, and that they had done and were still doing all they could for her and to make her feel loved and accepted. It hurt her that she had such a hard time accepting it and taking it in. believing it. Having faith that no matter what they would be there. But she felt distant from them too and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to let them back in.
She wanted to let the ones that hurt her know how she felt. She wanted more than anything to lash back and wish horrible things upon them but she knew inside that made her as hard and cold as they were.
She had finally trusted someone enough to let them in, closer than she had ever let any man. And because of this she was torn, used, and thrown out as old trash. She was told she wasn't good enough and she felt that no matter what that face in the mirror that body in her clothes would never be enough for someone to stay and really love her. She tried so hard but always got stuck letting everyone around her down and being turned down by others because she wasn't enough.
And the one night she thought maybe she had found the one that could show her and treat her like she was told a woman should be treated had come she was let down by his string hands overcoming her and her fear taking the best of her. She didn't know what to do, she went along with it, and acting like it was okay. Yet inside she was scared to death and unsure of what to do. She woke up the next morning not knowing what to feel, violated by this stranger, who besides the fact that he did that to her was treating her still like nothing was wrong and getting her breakfast, or happy because she got that over with. That day she felt confused and weird. He would call and she would answer and act happy. She even agreed to go again on another date. She was confused these mind games scared her. He stood her up and soon her confusion turned to panic she was beginning to realize what really happened. She had never said yes, fear gripped her and as she lay alone she ached for someone to hold her yet she was scared that any hands that would touch her would just hurt her, just want to break her even more.
She hated the way that she felt and cried out for help. Running back to her ex, which would turn out to only hurt her worse in the end. He held her acting as if everything was fine, laughing at her none the less and making a joke out od=f what had happen. He seemed jealous and upset that she had allowed it to happen. He wanted to be the first. She was amazed at how insensible he was to the fact that what just happened to her was an assault. All he seemed to care about naturally was himself and his own personal satisfaction. This upset her and hurt her even more but she felt she had no other choice. She deserved no better.
