Repair me

12. Reject me

I hadn't spoken more than two sentences to Nico in nearly five days, that had to be some kind of record for us. Usually I spoke more to him every half an hour than we had in an entire week. I was only realising what a huge part of my life he was now he'd extracted himself from it. All I could think about were the number of times he strolled into my bedroom without knocking and collapsed dramatically onto my bed, the times we lay on the floor side by side with our heads tilted together while he helped me with homework, the evenings when we spent hours playing video games until my eyes hurt, neither of us willing to accept defeat. I hadn't realised how much of an impact all those tiny things made to my day to day life until inextricably they were gone.

It reminded me of when Nico had shrunk into himself after seeing his family; this shield he wrapped around himself, I'd given him time now to clamber his own way out but clearly that was unsuccessful so I was going to have to be the one to yank him out of the cocoon he'd created. I needed Nico's cheeky smile back in my life.

My plan was to confront Nico on his way back from the pool, when he couldn't possibly have an excuse to go anywhere. I waited by my bedroom door, a predictor anticipating its prey. The moment Nico appeared, water soaked and wafting off waves of chlorine with flushed pink cheeks and his curls hanging straight brushed back from his face. For a moment I got caught up in just watching him, it killed me to think that I could have done anything to hurt someone with such an innocent and open face, eyes that sparkled with a particular special kind of generosity.

"Nico," I stepped out of my bedroom, a serious expression plastered across my face. There was no way he was dodging me now.

"Hey. I've got to shower," Nico stabbed a thumb in the direction of his room, eyes darting around as he made the excuse.

"You can shower in a minute," I decided for him. I grabbed him by the arm and yanked him into my room, his face flooded with surprise at my forwardness.

"I really ... um .... should shower I smell," Nico stumbled but didn't resist as I shoved him inside my room and slammed the door shut behind him.

"You smell fine," I folded my arms as I stared him down. Under my intense gaze he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot in the centre of my room.

"But I should shower I need to get the chlorine off my skin," he attempted weakly, the fight gone from him now.

"Nico," I shaped his name slowly, "what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Nico answered instantly on the defensive.

"You've barely spoken to me all week, you're avoiding me like I have the plague. What's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong," Nico lied, he was the worst liar. All his feelings were acted out on his face for the would to see.

I gave him my best disbelieving stare waiting for him to relent under its weight.

"Is this about me and Grey kissing?" I guessed watching his reaction, an imperceptible flicker occurred in his eyes and he flinched ever so slightly. Bulls eye.

"No," Nico lied bluntly not offering any expansion.

"Please don't lie to me," I pleaded quietly, allowing my voice to be vulnerable. I hated people I was close to lying to me, my trust issues were severe at the best of times.

"I'm not ly..," Nico looked up and something in my expression must have made him stop, he gulped once then exhaled deeply, "I'm just giving you space. You and Grey want to be together, I understand and I'm fine with it. I don't want to be in the way."

I shook my head at the stupidity of his comment, "you're never in the way Nico, ever. You're one of my best friends in the entire world, I want to spend time with you. And Grey and I aren't together, we're ...," I searched around for an explanation but there really wasn't one, "I don't know what we are honestly. I just know that I've missed you Nico." I emphasised 'missed' hoping he could hear the candour in my words.

"But you like Grey?" Nico clarified.

"I like him," I acknowledged, "but I don't know what that means."

"It's fine Cara you don't have to soften the blow for me," Nico spoke with resignation.

It was as if I could see inside his head, suddenly it was all crystal clear what he was doing. He was distancing himself to protect himself. He was the unwanted one again, just like in his family where he was the least favourite child, the unsuccessful one outshined by his brothers and sister. Now he was being pushed out the spotlight by Grey, made to feel second best, unworthy. He was never the one who was chosen so he was taking that choice away from me. Making me not pick him so he wouldn't have to feel the rejection. So he knew that if I picked Grey he'd done this to himself, he'd protected himself.

"Ni ...," I started.

"Cara I'm saying it's okay," Nico was moving past me, he was opening the door. I was aware that I should be stopping him but he was already walking away, "you can do whatever you want."

"But," I objected, "I don't ..."

Nico's door swung shut in my face, as if he'd just slapped me, his distance and words hurting worse than if he'd hit me. I swallowed a rising lump in my throat as I tried to trace back to how the conversation went so wrong so quickly. It was all slipping through my fingers. He was shutting me out.

***

I heard him before I saw him, the sound of the front door slamming shut was my warning that he was home. I'd learnt how to tell what kind of mood he was in by the way he shut the door on the way in; slamming was never a good sign. I decided to get the confrontation over quickly. Often if I let him simmer and hid away it would end up worse in the end so I went straight out to see him.

"Hey babe," I gave my sweetest smile as I made my way over hoping to soften him up a little. I reached out to touch his arms massaging my hands onto his biceps, "I've made cookies do you want one?"

"No I don't want one of your fucking cookies," he yanked his arms out my reach knocking my hands away, "I'm not in the mood for your fucking shit today Cara."

"What's the matter babe?" I asked softly.

"Like you'd understand," Jackson snapped shacking his head, "all you do is sit around all day in the house I pay for while I'm at work all fucking day. You've never done a days work in your life and you get everything handed to you on a plate. You have no idea Cara."

I blinked and took a step back as if he'd slapped me. Tears sprung to my eyes,

"Is that all I am to you?" I asked in the quietest voice that trembled, "a burden?"

"Oh now I'm the one to blame!" He threw his hands up and his voice rose, "I'm the villain now, always the way."

"If you want me to go I will," I folded my arms across my chest protectively, internally I prayed and prayed he wouldn't say yes. Leaving would break me.

"Why are you so fucking melodramatic," Jackson yelled, "when the hell did I say that?"

"You said I was useless, that all I did was sit around the house. I can do more if you want? I can get a job," I offered eagerly.

"And how are you gunna do that? With what qualifications? You're still in high school for God's sake," Jackson shook his head dismissively, his voice had taken on a bored tone now. All the anger had been sucked out of him now, he just didn't care anymore.

"I don't know," I sighed, "I could work at the casino?"

"Like hell," Jackson spat.

"Please, just tell me what you want," I pleaded desperately.

"I want to go to my room and sleep and not hear your whining voice," Jackson dismissed with a wave of his hand. He lumbered into the bedroom not looking back at me, he knew exactly how to make me feel utterly worthless. I wished he'd just hit me, at least then I knew he cared.