my many thoughts • poetry collection

I • n o s t a l g i a

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nostalgia: an innocent thing that will become the bane of your entire existence if you let it.

i've been told by many people, most frequently by my mother and father, that i live in the past. my mind is always on "what was" than "what is" or "what's coming". honestly though, who can blame me? reality is tough, nothing more than that; there are days where i wonder what on earth i'm doing and why on earth i'm still doing it. i blame the nostalgia that has burrowed into me and made a place in my soul.

you know, what makes nostalgia so sickening is that it's always been with us. but it's a little devil because it decides to start to nipping at your ankles when you grow up and realize that life is more than juice boxes, summer days, and Nickelodeon shows all afternoon. your first taste of nostalgia will go like, "man, those were the good old days." or "wow that was fun, wish i could go back!". your first few greetings with nostalgia will make you feel good, with a dish of sadness on the side. it'll bring back the good ole times and the laughs and the smiles.

sweet enough, right? what's a little nostalgia gonna hurt?

that's the sickening nature of nostalgia; it's so sweet at first, but then it starts to destroy you bit by bit.

when your older brother catches a charge and abandons your family for a new life, the sweet nostalgia creeps across your skin as you watch your mother cry hysterically while your father breaks down for the first time in your entire life.

when you decide to skip a meal or two because you want to diminish the shameful look in your mother's eyes, nostalgia begins to dig at the surface of your body as you drop pound, after pound, after pound, after pound... until you realize it'll never be enough, but really don't care enough anymore to stop.

when you realize too late that you caused a year of pain and worthlessness for your best friends because of your selfishness, nostalgia breaks into your skin and begins to work its way through you as you shamefully, guiltily, breathlessly sob into your pillow like your ex-best friends did those years because of you.

when you get caught fasting and are forced onto a bathroom scale in front of your family, nostalgia infects every thought you think when you break down in tears as the realization sets in that you will be forced to recover.

when you slice open with a knife the baby soft skin that your mother used to bathe and pour out the blood that used to pour out of scratches you earned from the playground slide or chalk-art covered concrete, nostalgia overcomes you entirely when you no longer see an accident on your body... you see a punishment that you created.

that's when nostalgia becomes a curse.

but when you find people in your life that make you view it through different lenses, you realize that there's more to life than wishing for the past.

he made me realize that i could look forward.

-i pray i never have nostalgia of him.

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hey guys, i'm back!!
stay alive xx
-ru