Nothing Matters But You// Logan x Jake

Let them all go Chasing after Rainbows

I jerk awake, hearing the persistent knocking on my bedroom door. It pulls me from another dream of the boy on the other side of the door. The boy that slept in the room across the hall from me. "What?" I ask, covering my ears with the pillow. Logan's obnoxious knocking ceases.

"I have to go to a bunch of stores and shit after work, so I won't be back until later. Don't fuck with any of the knives, all right?"

"What if there's a burglar?" I ask him sleepily, trying to argue in any way with him.

"I'm serious, jackass. I have to go to work now. I love you, bro."

"I love you too." The words I don't hear in any of my dreams. Here he is saying them. I hear his footsteps get further and further away from the door before hearing the jingle of keys and the door close.

I don't hold back the sob that I was trying to contain anymore. I feel meaningless tears run down my face and try to lose myself in the sheets. These sheets only smell like me and not like who I wish they smelled like. I want to suffocate. I don't deserve to breathe.

Last night's dream was worse than usual.

I love you.

I don't hear those words in any of my dreams except for one.

The dialogue is still fresh in my mind. This is a dream that I won't ever forget.

"I love you, Jake." He was saying it this time. Pain and confusion radiated through me because I knew that his words were untrue.

"You don't." I replied, knowing it was a simple lie. I looked anywhere but his terrifyingly empty eyes.

"I do. I promise, baby. I love you." He repeats the words, and for whatever reason, I decide to go along with it.

"I love you too, Logan." I move to kiss him, overrun by happiness and blinded by love. I feel his hands immediately move to my chest, stopping me and pushing me away. I look into those eyes of his, and he laughs at my obvious hurt. His grin widens as my face falls.

"You're so fucking easy."

Knock

Knock

Knock

Knock

I begin to calm down from this fit. My breathing evens out, and I move the blanket away from my face. I breathe in the fresh air and wipe the tears from my cheeks and neck. Why do I have to be like this? This is why Logan doesn't love me. I'm problematic and unloveable. But all I want is for Logan to kiss my pathetic, tear-stained cheeks, and tell me he loves me despite my curse of a life that causes no one to love me.

I stare at the ceiling in my empty room in this empty house with my hand over my empty chest. No one loves me apart from Logan. Not even my mom or dad. They both changed since fourth grade when they thought I showed interest in one of the little boys at school. This kid in my class, Nick, with a funny voice. We were good friends and maybe I did have "feelings" for him. Whatever those are at that age. We were together all the time until my parents stopped letting us.

"You can only love girls, Jake. Remember that, okay?"

I nodded to her, lacking understanding of why I couldn't love boys too. But I did love Nick. He was my best friend and I loved him like a brother. And my love for my brother manifested into this hideous desire for what I can't have. I've always wanted what I can't have.

Logan is the only person I have, and I can't even have him the way I wish I could.

I get out of bed, once again repeating the cycle of living even though I don't want to anymore. Waking up to no one. All alone in the world I despise. One thought runs through my head as I stand on the cold hardwood of my bedroom.