Toddlers, Husbands, and Why I had to be Mature by 18

Chapter Eleven: Sickness

I waited at the altar in a sky blue dress, holding a bouquet of white roses to my chest. My stomach was rolling with ever-present nausea. My health had not improved since the birth. A pain clamped in my stomach and I held back vomit. 

Calm down, Hannah, I told myself. Be there for Jake and Elise. You can do it.

I looked out into the assembled families and saw Jasper. He smiled encouragingly at me. I smiled weakly in return, well aware of the fact that it was probably a grimace.

Elise entered, on the arm of her father. Her hair was in an elegant up-do, a veil surrounding her face. Her dad was crying, but trying not to. Bella and Summer walked in front of the Bride, each carrying a basket of flower petals. They took their job very seriously, and evenly spread the petals all over the aisle. I was proud of my little girls. They grinned at me. 

Elise took her place in front of Jacob, her hand passed to his from her father. They said their vows and kissed, a short but sweet ceremony. As soon as I was allowed to leave the altar, I near collapsed into Jasper's waiting arms. 

***

I danced once at the reception, but I was so light-headed after that that I sat down for the rest. Jasper waited with me, and we left early.

I felt horrible about it; I wanted to be there for every moment, but I was not well enough.

On the drive home, Jasper's knuckles were white around the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" Jasper asked.

"For making you leave early."

"I'm not mad," he said carefully. "I just wish I could help you. What does this mean Hannah?" he asked loudly through gritted teeth.

"What does what mean?" I asked quietly.

"This sickness is not going away. What does it mean? What's happening to you?" I saw angry tears form in his eyes, but he would not let them escape.

"I don't know, Jasper," I replied softly. We were silent for a long time, before I whispered, "I'm scared."

Jasper looked at me, the tears still in his eyes. Tears formed in my own, and he dropped his gaze. 

"Me too."

***

Kate had watched the kids for the reception, and she was worried about how early we got back.

"Are you okay, Hannah?" she asked me. I nodded slightly in reply, but she saw the worry behind my eyes. Her eyes flicked back and forth between my own. 

"Okay," she said, dropping her gaze. She left quietly. 

I went to bed quietly, not saying a word to Jasper. I heard him come in later that night. I expected him to out his arms around me like he always did, but he didn't. I cried silently.

***

In the morning, I woke up to an empty bed. I went to the kitchen, where I found Jasper eating breakfast.

"Good morning," I said.

He stood up and came over to me, wrapping me in his embrace. 

"I'm really scared Hannah," he said, and I felt his tears against my skin. We continued to hug, both crying, both forgiving one another silently. 

"I love you," I said. "And you know that there's no way I'm leaving you behind."

I said it. The unspoken. It had stood between us for the past few months like an elephant in the room. 

"You're not going to die," he paraphrased softly, holding me to him. 

***

Doctor Robertson affirmed that it was a possibility I could die, however, he believed I could get through it.

"Is there anything you can do for her?" Jasper begged.

Doctor Robertson sighed. "I could prescribe medication, but I believe that, at this point, it would just weaken your immune system. I think you need to get through this on your own. But I have complete confidence that you of all people can do it."

***

Sebastian was brought home a few days later. He had stayed at the hospital much longer than expected.

He was welcomed home by his siblings, and he was a wonderful new addition to the Louis household. 

I wasn't getting much better. I could walk around the house now, but not for too long, or I would get woozy. At least I didn't have to spend all my days in bed. 

Doctor Robertson said he would like to run some tests on me soon and see what my next step for improvement should be. 

Jasper and I started being more open with one another about how we felt. It was nice to have someone to vent to. We were both going through taxing emotional trauma, and we were finding it hard to be positive with the kids.

To top it all off, since I wasn't working, we were having financial difficulties. For several months, our family was struggling on a physical, mental and emotional level. 

I could not take care of the kids because I was sick. We could not afford perfect nutrition because I could not work. The shocking uncertainty about my condition was concerning, and we could not see the light.