Counterpoint

Chapter 76

   There is a beat of silence. I bring his hand up to my lips and cover the skin with feverish kisses. His skin feels cold against mine and it makes me think of dreaded farewells. My heart has been reduced to a bleeding lump of flesh that aches for this man beside me in a way that cannot be relieved by anything other than his love. His eyes slowly flutter over to mine as I cover his skin with evidence of my affection.

   "Stop putting words in my mouth." I murmur into his skin. "I already told you that you aren't going anywhere."

   "Thomas, I don't want to hurt you anymore." He mutters, his hand trembling underneath my skin. "I can't bear it."

   "I don't know what exactly is going on," Martha cuts in quietly, her voice gentle and uncertain. "There are far too many secrets and mistakes being thrown out into the open this evening. I find it to be rather difficult to follow who should be considered guilty or innocent. Perhaps we should leave that particular decision to Thomas."

   "I don't think I understand what you are suggesting." Peter replies confusedly. "Are you asking us to not involve ourselves in this? If so, I believe that moment has come and gone."

   "That is not what i'm saying. This situation affects Thomas solely, it is only right that he is the one who passes judgement." There are several murmurs of assent and dissent amongst the siblings but all I can focus on is Alexander and how he refuses to look me in the eyes. "Thomas is the only one who can decide where to go from here."

   "I need everyone to leave." The words slip past my lips like a whisper. "Just for a moment."

   "Define the length of a moment." Peter replies wearily. His young face aging several decades in an instant. I never realized just how much he looked like Pops until this very moment.

   "However long I want it to be." I reply with a small grin.

   "Whatever you need, Thomas." Elizabeth answers as she rises to her feet, guiding a few of my siblings out of the room. Peter looks between Alexander and I for a moment before dropping his gaze and following after Elizabeth, leading the remaining stragglers out of the living room. The room falls into silence as Alexander and I remain motionless, his hand pressed to my mouth as I hold him gently in place.

   "There probably won't be much of an opportunity for them to get to know you?" I murmur in question. "Why would you think to say that?"

   "It is a distinct possibility." He answers simply.

   "Are you intending on going somewhere?" A wave of dread crashes against my soul. "Even after everything I had said about you not leaving my sight for a moment and you still think that you can run away from this situation."

"I'm not running away Thomas."

"Then what are you doing?" My patience is beginning to wear thin and I fear that my already strained emotions will reach a dangerous point. Sweat is slicking the palms of my hands as I hold his hand prisoner, my legs trembling slightly as I await his response.

"I'm preparing for when you ask me to leave." He replies calmly, his voice even and unwavering.

 "Don't make this situation anymore difficult than it has to be." I grumble, shaking my head from side to side. "It's already unbearably difficult."

 "That wasn't my intention."

 "Stop replying so calmly! It's freaking me out. You're taking like a fucking robot!" I shake his body slightly with my persistent tugging on his arm. "React! Talk to me like you always do!"

 "You mean a lot to me Thomas, but you have a future with your daughter to think about and I don't want to get in the way of that." His eyes level with mine and I feel an electric current race through my system as his words sink into my brain, staining my memory.

  "You don't want to affect my future?" I grip onto his hand tightly, my knuckles turning a sickly shade of white. "It's a bit too late for that. Me inviting you into my life affected my future, falling in love with you changed my life, you falling for me changed my future, so stop acting like you are some kind of curse." I drop his hand and grab onto the sides of his face, cradling his cheeks in my palms. "People fall in love, they influence one another, they do things that they regret. You made a decision and now we are both paying the consequences for it."

  "Was it really such a bad choice?" He questions. "Bringing another life into the world. Eliza had always wanted a big family. I had robbed her of her love for me, stealing her family from beneath her. I owed her the gift of children." 

   "I never said that children were a mistake." I shake him slightly. "If I thought that I wouldn't be fighting so damn hard to get my baby." His hands come up to cover mine and I find my mind going blank, all words abandoning me as he simply sits there covering my hands with his own. 

   "Did I ever tell you that I had caused Eliza to miscarry?"

   "No." I whisper. 

   "Her distress at my absence during my "affair" had caused her to lose the baby that she was carrying at the time." All life seems to drain from his face. "When I say that I owe her the dream of a big family it is because of that moment. No matter how much time passes or what I have accomplished the memory doesn't fade and I feel the justified weight of responsibility for that despair and pain." 

   "Alex, you can't live the rest of your life trying to pay back some life debt to Eliza." 

   "I can try." 

   "Why didn't you tell me?"

   "I don't know." His lips tremble slightly. "My mind went blank and I just acted. I reverted to who I was before I had established myself here. My actions were based off of survival instincts, and I only thought of giving back to her the life I had unconsciously stolen from her."

   "You've chosen an interesting time to open up." 

   "I don't know why I am telling you all of this." He confesses. "I guess I have just reached my limit. It's all pouring out of me." 

   "I believe you." I run a gentle thumb over the curve of his cheek. "You didn't have to go through that all alone."

   "Isolation is a familiar friend." He murmurs. "Sometimes, it is difficult to remember that I don't have to do everything by myself. I'm sorry." 

   "Shh.." I hush. "No more apologies." 

   "Do you forgive me?"

   "Not yet." I confess. "It is all too soon. I understand the emotions behind your decision, but I haven't been able to accept them yet. There are still other problems I need to sort through before even coming close to broaching that topic." 

   "I understand." 

   "For now, lets just be Thomas and Alexander. Support one another and help each other through this." My heart flutters in my chest as he tilts his head in such a way that he can press a soft kiss to the palm of my left hand. A surge of peace rushes through my system. If anyone can get through this tumultuous time it will be he and I. My anchor in the storm of life.