wake up // lil xan

no love.

That night Chelsea was running through my mind like wildfire and I hated it. The xans were wearing off and I had to sit there with only my thoughts for company. Peep was the angriest I had seen him when he left me in the alley, so I figured giving him space would be the best. My eyes were drooping and I kept glancing around the room to find anything that would stop reminding me of Chelsea. There it was. A beanie I had gotten at a swap meet with the Oakland Raiders emblem on it. A grin slipped on my face as I reminisced that day, until a memory slipped through. Kimetrius was with me that day.

I turned over on my side and went to sleep. Fuck them if they didn't wanna be my friends just because I'm on next level shit. I don't need them. I kept repeating that last sentence until I went to bed and my dreams only had two main characters. One with blazing red hair and the other with dark brown eyes.

The next morning was difficult, my vision kept blurring in and out, my brain was trying to beat itself out of my skull, and I kept shaking with anxiety. My fingers felt heavy as I dragged them across my phone screen, shooting Gus a text. Asking him to come over and bring xannies with him was my only goal for that day. I ran my fingers through my hair and scrunched my nose when I felt how greasy it was. Showering is definitely a mandatory task in life, but it gets hard doing that every single day, or even every other day. It's so demanding of my energy and I just skip it as long as I can hold out, so far that's 5 days. My room was reflecting me quite a bit because there was trash littering the floor and clothes that I'm not entirely sure are clean or not. I knew that I had to do something about and I could just feel it, but I ignored it. Instead I rolled over on my side and played on my phone because it was the only thing to do. I kept my brightness low as I focused on beating my game, and I yelped when my door swung open. Hurriedly, I threw off my blankets and turned over to see Gus frowning at me.

"What is it?" I asked, stopping myself from crawling out of bed.

"Can't find any," he sighs. He sat down on the floor and just stared at me for a moment with his brown eyes. I stared back, holding a breath, wondering if he's gonna bitch at me like Chelsea and Kim did.

"Today's gonna be rough, you got any green?" he asked after I didn't say anything.

"I don't have shit, bro," I whined.

Peep just looked up at the ceiling and had a dry smile painted on his face, "Fuck."

Anxiety coiled itself in my stomach like a snake waiting to strike, "What?"

"We're about to go through withdrawals. Buckle up, bitch," he smirked. The word withdrawals wasn't exactly foreign to me, but I definitely wasn't ready to accept they could happen to me. I didn't use that much. Did I?

Hours later it became apparent that I did use that much when I had thrown up twice and my head was pounding against my skull. Peep was laid up on my bed with a cigarette hanging limply between his middle and fore fingers, red nails showcasing it. His eyes were covered with a wet rag because he claimed the room was spinning, and I didn't care to question it. My fingers were becoming numb and it felt like sparks of electricity were wrapping through my veins and seizing the feeling in my hands. I groaned in frustration. This was fucking terrible.

"Dude, we'll make it," Gus reassured me, weakly from across the room. My stomach churned violently and I raced to the bathroom while muttering my disagreement. I sat on the toilet and groaned as it felt like my insides were melting out of my body. I stayed on the toilet for an extra ten minutes for good measure and played on my phone to keep me calm.

The rest of the day passed by in a hazy blur with my stomach churning and my head pounding. There wasn't really anything to compare the withdrawals to, other than the brink of death. It all felt terrible and Peep didn't make it any better with his bitching and moaning, not like I was gonna tell him that, though.