Conversations with...

Conversations with... Part 19 - Return to the Source

I sought it in friends. I sought it in women. I sought it at work. In bands. In books.

I sought it so fervently, often in the wrong place and with the wrong people, that I drove friends away. Got fired from jobs. Got rejected by women. Couldn't establish a music career. Failed out of college. Struggle to finish my books.

I found it eventually. Much too late, however. I found it in my wife and children.

But it has not been enough.

I love them like no one can love people except those who didn't know love for the first several decades of life. I don't mean to say either that my mother didn't love me; she did. She still does. So, does my sister. And other relatives. But I distance myself. Self-loathing makes it hard to be with "normal" people. They often think antisocial behavior is about them. It's not.

I had friends but couldn't tell the difference between the ones who were true and the ones who were using me. I often chose the wrong friends.

So now, that something that was lost when I was so young is driving me closer to the absolute result. I have almost nothing left to salvage.

Frankly, I'm exhausted. Trying to be like everyone else is exhausting.

But I don't want to reach the ultimate solution. I still want to fix this. I still do not know how.

So, I am reaching out to the Source, to God, to the Universe, to a higher power I'm not sure I believe exists.

Some say that all matter that has ever been or ever will be is present always in the universe. If that is true then all knowledge, of past, present and future events is present as well.

If that is true then I must tap that knowledge to help me find my way back, back to a present that could only be if my past had been different.

But there must be a way."

G - "There is. But the Way, your Way, requires active participation from you. And understand this, if you are suffering so greatly, it is because you are resisting your destiny. It is because you are not allowing yourself to experience a good life because what was taken from you when you were young filled you with shame and a sense of worthlessness. How could you enjoy life when the earliest lesson you were taught was that you are not worthy?"

A - "I get that. I've known that. It hasn't helped."

G - "Because you resist. Because you didn't deserve money when you had it. You didn't deserve love when you got it. You don't deserve friends, even when so many tried to be your friend. You are still living by the rules set forth in your infancy by someone who hasn't been in your life for most of your life. That one incident..."

A - "Wasn't one incident."

G - "No, I know that. But when you think of him, you think of that incident. And you continue to behave like a person who deserves to feel as bad as you did that day when you were two. The shame is gone. You did nothing wrong. You ask all the time why you suffer so. It's because you are punishing yourself for what was done to you, not because of anything you did."

A - "I know that."

G - "So stop it."

A - "I've tried. I can't."

G - "You can. You have my permission. And my forgiveness not for having done anything wrong, but because I think you will not move on without both permission and forgiveness that you do not need. You did nothing wrong. You've suffered greatly undeservedly. It is time to move on."

A - "I still don't feel I can."

G - "You can. You must. You will. I assure you."

A - "When will I feel this, assurance?"

G - "When you choose to. So help you me."

A - "Funny."

G - "well, you never lost your sense of humor."

A - "OK. But you really will help me. I'm tired. Very tired. I want to sleep."

G - "It's not time to sleep. It's time to live. You have my word."

A - "And your blessing?"

G - "Seriously?"

A - "Yes. I'm sorry. But I'm not feeling it yet."

G - "You will. Go forth and prosper."

A - "OK."

G - "Remember, I help those who help themselves."

A - "See, now I feel less confident again."

G - "Why, because I'm expecting you to do some of the heavy lifting?"

A - "Well yeah. If I couldn't fix this life of mine before today, how am I supposed to do so after today? You haven't exactly said anything specific. Just the same old rhetoric I've been getting elsewhere my whole life."

G - "So you want me to do it for you?"

A - "No. But I would like some guidance. You know, a hint. A clue. What should I do differently tomorrow to get the ball rolling? How do I fix this life, me? How do I make up for the past?"

G - "I will be there with you. Trust. You must trust. I can't just hand you a list..."

A - "Why not? You've done it before."

G - "That was different."

A - "Why? I'm not enough?"

G - "Of course you are.... ahhh. Trying to trick me, are you? Ha! See. You deserve to live."

A - "As punishment?"

G - "Let's not backtrack. I will help you. You will sense my presence. It may not be easy. It won't be immediate. But I will. And you will know I am. Just go do what you knew you should have been doing all along. You will experience relief. You will find happiness. You can still realize your full potential. Trust me, okay?"

A - "It's not going to be easy."

G - "You are a tough nut to crack. Most people would be relieved just by talking to me."

A - "I'm a cynic. Promises to me have been broken before."

G - "Okay. I've got another appointment. We good?"

A - "Yeah. You promised. Don't forget you promised."

G - "I did. Live long and prosper."

A - "Chris...I mean, Spock. You too."

G - "I already have. It's your turn."

A - "Thanks."

G - "Peace out."