A weakness of mine is that I'm super inconsistent. I believe it's because I've never truly felt like I've had a set house, schedule, family, or routine in life. I've went through more houses, mental hospitals, dad's girlfriends, different "families," and more experiences than you would probably expect. And this is why I think that it isn't what you would expect:
Because I come off as the person that I do. Because I try to live in a way that inspires other people to live their life to their fullest potential. Because I try to be happy and positive all the time, because no matter my circumstances, I always have the choice to be happy and make the most out of life. Because I grew up hateful and mean and negative and it was truly because of my circumstances, and family influencing me. But I got to an age where I realIzed I now had the choice, I had a choice where I could start to become positive. But after 13 years of quite the opposite, it would be a long process to go to the optimistic side, especially given my circumstances. And it was a long process, it still is an extremely difficult process. Every day I make the choice (most days at least lol) to choose the good, the positive, the happy. This is what I present to people. I rarely cry, and I rarely let people see my cry, I rarely let people see myself hurt. this is what most of the time people see: a happy smiling girl who is optimistic and loves the sunshine or some shit. This is what I present to people. And for so long I just have wanted people to see me perfect and not know how much I've hurt, or am hurting, to not know I have so many damn issues and am breaking inside. So I would try to present this person. Some days it felt like a mask and an act repeating over and over, and it gets exhausting, don't you think? Trying to be perfect when I have tons of authentic imperfections and emotions and problems. So I am telling you right now I am not just this person, not just the smiley girl you probably see.
That's the person I want people to see me as, and yes I am that person, but I am also full of many other emotions then the happy face put on everyday. I try to cover up all I've went through, and do go through -with the smile and the optimism, because I know that's the only way to get through this. I know that the best way to deal with pain is to turn it into something beautiful -to try to be happier and try to be better. I want to make other people's lives brighter and better. But mostly I put on a smile and an act a lot of because I don't want people to see me vulnerable, hurt, and raw- really who I truly am. I want to come off perfect, problem-less, a role model- which is pathetic thinking about it now. Why can't someone be an aspiration and amazing when in pain and going through stuff? My mind has been brainwashed by everything in our society thinking that you have to have every little part of your life together to be an amazing, inspiring person. I know people can relate.
But what I want people to know it's okay to be hurting, I want to open up more and not be so closed off, I want people to know that I'm not a perfect smiling happy girl 24/7, and it's okay if you aren't either. I want people to know it's okay to be so angry, so sad, so hurt, or so happy. To know that it is okay and beneficial to have people help you with your problems, instead of holding it in like a ticking bomb. I just want to show all these emotions, while still containing an optimistic side of things. I want to be myself so bad I don't know if I want anything more. I want to walk around cities and shout to people "BE YOURSELF" because it will give you an everlasting joy knowing you're true to who you are, falling in love with your own individuality, causing others around you to love you too. I want to go back to every day in middle school where I looked at myself and didn't like what I saw, every party I attended and felt uncomfortable and awkward because I didn't think people liked me or wanted me there, every person that's left in my life and made me feel not enough-made me not want to be myself, every time I've ever not wanted to be ME, and I want to say FUCK THAT. Fuck that. Be you. Because being you is the best thing you can have and the best thing you can be. I want to tell that heartbroken sad kid I once was growing up that everything will be okay, even if it feels like it never will be.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here besides the fact that you should never feel ashamed of any emotion ever, and if you are ever hurt, there is a reason. Don't let people fool you into thinking you don't have as much right to your emotions as you do, don't let people minimize your pain. And most importantly, don't put on a mask. Take the mask off and throw it out the fucking window. Let yourself feel, struggle, hurt, cry, and don't be afraid to let others see that too. "This is life not heaven, you don't need to be perfect." You don't have to keep everything in, you are not a bother to people when talking about your problems. This is what I wish I would've been told so very badly. This is why I'm telling you this now. If you are reading this, you are meant to be reading this. I care, and many others care about you too. I hope you have the courage to rip the mask off and throw it out the window. I hope you have the courage to be yourself. Because then you'll feel the cool breeze of the fresh air now surrounding you, and you'll see life in a newer, more refreshing, sometimes painful, but the most beautiful way. And in the process, you'll realize the relief it is to touch the face that is truly yours again.
