FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

29.

He doesn't respond, but he pushes his door wider to invite me in his room. His silence is killing me. I want to know what he thinks. Does he truly mean his words? This letter says everything I have ever wanted him to tell me. So why is he paralysed? He stands close by, but he feels so far. There's no way to hide now, it's just him and I. My eyes surely can't lie, I want him too. He doesn't know how strongly I have wished for him to let me in, just when I thought I never really was, I had been all along.

I walk to his bed and turn to face him once he has closed the door behind me. I need to let it out. I need to tell him how I feel. I just want a moment, that's all I ask of him. It will be disorganised and messy, but he at least needs to know what I think if he is going to stay silent.

"Your letter is the most beautiful thing I have ever read." I rush out my words, being overtaken by all the love and the passion I take from this 'token of love'. "I am sorry I did not let you explain yourself sooner. I truly am, but there's also a part of me, even though I feel intense feelings for you, that doesn't entirely trust you. Believe me when I say that I think about you all the time and I just want to know what you are thinking about and what questions are haunting your mind. I want to make you laugh and be the reason you are smiling. I want to ask you millions of questions, because you fascinate me in so many ways. I want to understand you, I don't ever want to change you. You are a mess, but I like it. You are a challenge, but you are my challenge."

I gasp for air as I have been talking really fast. I look at him, he doesn't move or say anything. He is staring at me blankly. I feel desperate, like I have been many times before when it comes to him. I step closer to him and my hands desire more than anything to touch him. I want to hold him, have a physical contact with him, because that is how we seem to unite. I plead him with my eyes and my whole body to let me in and I continue to tell him how I feel.

"I want to take a chance and follow my heart, but you have already walked out on me, what tells me you won't do it again? I honestly got heartbroken when you left me that night, that's how deep I was falling for you. I feel like, since I met you, I have a foot constantly pressing the brakes. At first, I was fearing what the next roadblock was going to be, but since the day you came here, I have been falling for you with every single ordinary detail that composes you. I stared way too long, but it got me way past an infatuation. I knew how it was already too late to stop myself from falling for you when we watched Titanic together after we danced at the club together. You drive me crazy in every way possible, I am crazy about you, that's why it has been such a long drop when you walked out on me. You left me broken. I never wanted to feel that way for you. You are arrogant and mean and way too in your head, but I do. I feel for you. You don't know what I would give to be with you. I missed you so much and I can't even understand why when all my friends hate you. But I don't have to prove to anyone that I am a strong woman, I know I am and that means making mistakes and learning from them. Opening my heart to you never was one of them."

I run a hand through my hair and compose myself, but I can't. I can't seem to control myself nor my feelings towards him. I step closer, I can't fight the dire need to touch him. I step even closer and grab his shirt. I am pleasantly surprised to notice he isn't wearing his usual cardigans. It's not that I don't like them, he just seems more relaxed without. God, he looks good. I surprise myself with how hard my heart is pounding in my chest to finally be close to him after these last few days apart. I put a hand more firmly on his chest and slide it upwards to his shoulder. My other hand joins the other nest to his neck and I slide them to take both of his hands in mine. The contact is warm and so soft.

I start to talk again, getting even more uncontrollable with desperation. I shouldn't have rejected him, but he just had to give me a moment. That's why I came back to his hotel room. I want him. I want to be with him. I guide his hands to my cheeks and hold them there as he is witnessing my circus of adoration for him.