Everyday Fear

Everyday when I go to sleep I fear that I will not wake up and get to see this amazing life we all get to live. I laugh because that is not what I fear most.

I fear that I will never get to tell my mother how much I love her after our argument or how much she truly has impacted my life. I fear that I will never get to tell my step dad how much I truly appreciate him stepping up and taking care of me because my own father could not stop drinking long enough to do so. I fear that I will never see my youngest sister, Katie, walk across that stage to receive her diploma or see my younger sister, Alana, get to kiss the love of her life on their wedding day. I fear that I will never get to tell my older sister, Fray, how much I truly love her although we used to argue a lot when we were younger. I fear I will never get to see my niece go to her first day of kindergarten. I fear I will never see my bother truly happy. I fear that my grandma will never stop taking care of my uncles. I fear my aunt will never stop getting herself into drama. I fear my uncle, Joseph, will never stop getting himself into trouble with the law. I fear my uncle, Jake, will not go back home although it is what is best for him. I fear my uncle, Chris, will never be truly happy in his marriage. I fear I will always be stuck in this state of numbness.

I fear lying one hundred feet away from a vehicle, having a man stand over me to check my pulse. I fear having a virus or a disease that I can not come back from. I fear walking the halls of a school and being told to go into a classroom and keep quiet because if not we could be dead in an instance. I fear being pushed into a pool because I can not swim. I fear coming face to face with the unknown. I fear not going peacefully and having to reach and reach when it would just be easier to let go. I fear being the cause of many unending pain. I fear never being able to breathe this breath of fresh air. I fear never getting to see the array of colors we are blessed to see. I fear never getting to hear a car honk or the birds chirp or my own awful voice. I fear never getting to feel the softness of my blanket or the roughness of the concrete beneath my feet. I fear never getting to taste Mac n' Cheese or the extraordinary Cheesecake.  This is only a quarter of the fears that run through my head on a daily basis but the one fear they all lead up to is the fear of death.

I feel fear everyday of my life because of this one fear that branches off with a million other fears. I feel fine one moment but not the next. The next moment I feel trapped inside my own body, shrinking into nothing because I can not breath. I try to focus my mind on anything else but it won't go away. I try to climb my way out to feel even a second of air in my lungs so I can be at bay but I am too weak. I can not move. I am stuck. I feel my insides inflame. I want to scream to release some tension. I can not do anything. I am stuck to suffer in my own fear.

I am always watching my back because death is inevitable and can happen any day at any time. I will never feel safe to do anything. I will always be happy one minute minute and upset the next. I just want to be happy but happiness will not happen until I accept death is just going to happen. I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT! I will not! I want to be able to go to California and see the Hollywood sign. I want to go to New York and some day see my book published. I want to walk down the aisle and kiss my husband. I want to scream my lungs out as I give birth to my child. I want to do so many things before I pass and maybe after all that I will be okay with my fear of death. Until then I will be afraid everyday of my life because of my Everyday Fear.