Pack yourself a toothbrush, dear

chapter one

"Eat your heart Rodgers, you toad eating hag" I scowled, making a face at the disgusting sloppy manner he was eating that snot ball of a creature. How a guy could so casually get over his first wife running out with her ex boyfriend on valentine's day-was beyond me. I would be so infuriated and hurt and bitter. I would track both of those fuckers down and-

"Okay, okay." Calvin cautiously raised his hands and stepped back "I'm going to leave you to collect your thoughts, mate. This may seem like a huge deal to you but it's not, really. Everything is going to be the same. Except for a measly title of husband and wife. okay ?"

All this was too real for me. Fuck, I'm actually getting married. I'll be with Eleanor forever now, not that it makes any difference because we have been together for years and years now, but it's still terrifying to see your future so concretely written before your eyes. 

Can I even commit to her for life?

Of course, I can. Where are these thoughts coming from? We've been together for five years. And in that half a decade period, I've never even looked at another woman. I've just never had the urge. Marriage is basically the same thing, but with a ceremony and the shit show of money. We are in love and it'll be fine. We can go through this-

Do I even love her?

Of course, I do. What are you even talking about at this moment, right now ? Do not ruin this, Louis. Everything is perfect right now.I both have stable job with enough money to spare, an apartment that we share on the nicest street of east Doncaster and a future that we've planned for us since college. And dogs, our dogs. They're basically like our kids-

Shit, all this is happening too fast.

You're twenty five. Are you waiting to be Alzheimer's stricken and hunched when you stand at the alter?  You can't wait forever-

What if she's not the one?

Seriously, Louis? Shut the fuck up. What even is "the one"? You have two step fathers. There's nothing called "the one". You find people that you click with and you love them till there's love within you and then you stick to them and support them because they need you, because you both are a team. and-

"Lou?" A faint voice seemed to flutter towards me. God, are you calling me ? No, God and I are on more formal terms. My dead aunt Geralda ?

"Louis, honey, are you okay? You are looking a little green." My mother's voice broke my state of trance. "Are you nervous?" she touched my cheek gently, eyes pulled into worry. I nodded. She smiled, mouth curving into a familiar sense of empathy and relief that says, you've got this. 

"It's normal, darling. Happens to the best of us" She clutched on to my arm softly and leaned into an embrace  "Why don't you sit down, have a drink and breathe? there's some time for the ceremony." She walked me towards a small room behind the church. It looked like a place where AA meeting took place, with chair arranged in a circle and all that. Or it was a cult head office. 

"Lou?" I looked at her, her features softening with age. She smiled at me warmly again, making me sit on one of the chair. Her fingers ruffled through my hair, carefully arranging them to my left side of the parting. 

"You know, on my wedding night, I was a nervous wreck.  My dress had a ketchup stain on it from mid morning burger runs, Mark's car broke down in a really far away area and the ceremony had to be pushed back by like, two hours and you, you were coming down with a fever. Everything was a mess and I was downright furious. Nothing was going my way, I thought it was an ill omen. but you know what, it turned out alright -"

You got divorced. It wasn't quite alright I wanted to tell her, but it's better to bite your tongue when your mother's motivating you with stories that never worked for her.