confused. sillie

eleventh. dark clouds

CHAPTER ELEVEN OF
CONFUSED

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the big room full of people i didn't even know was scary, full of old ladies and relatives i didn't know i had. the dark clothe they were wearing was sad. my hair in a delicate bun, in the back of my neck, as a dark dress fell down my hips.

i looked around, seeing my mum talking with a bunch of people, with dark bags under her eyes, she seemed tired, like she didn't sleep for three days, and maybe she didn't. i always heard her sobs from my room, it always made my heart ache, i often went to her room and hugged her until she fell asleep, but some days i was way too tired to even walk out of my room.

my mum's boss had known about my grandmother's death, and she gave my mother a week off, a kind offer. my mother had refused, of course, but the woman had not pay attention to my mum.

i sat down quietly, not looking into the coffin, were her grandma laid down. i, denying the fact that she was there.

i felt someone sit down next to me, and i looked at my side, seeing my grandpa, or papa, as i have always called him.

"hello pumpkin" he said, his british accent very formal and notable. "papa" i hugged him tight, as he hugged back.

"how are you feeling, my dear?"

"i've been better papa" i said quietly, "are you alright?" i asked him, looking into his eyes, watching closely as his eyes showed no emotion at all. like he was numb.

"i've been better pumpkin" he said with a small smile painted in his lips.

everyone knew how much he loved my grandma, that was the kind of love everyone wanted, the one kind, and supportive. the one that lasted forever.

and it was heartbreaking looking at him now.

it was a long day that day.

seeing too many people, seeing too many tears.

god, my grandma had so many friends, everyone loved her, why did she have to go?

when we were about to go, already saying our goodbye's. i decided to take a look at the coffin, afraid of what i'll see, so when i stepped closer, i slightly jumped.

it was my grandma, god, there she was, with her eyes closed and hands crossed on her chest, and i couldn't hug her. there she was, right besides me, god she looked like she was fake, she looked pale, but yellow at the same time. my heart fell on the floor when i saw her.

it was the first dead body i had ever seen. and god, it was scary.

there she was, eyes closed like she was sleeping, only that– she would never wake up again, god my heart would never be able to forget this image of her, it can't be real, she was supposed to wake up and hug me.

i seemed to feel numb after that

i felt numb the whole day left, and the next.

it was already tuesday, and i had talked with finn that i'd meet up with him and caleb, i don't know why.

but i woke up anyways, not feeling any different. i put on some jeans that i felt comfortable with, and some short sized tee with whatever design in the front, the usual shoes, and i walked out of my room, seeing finn's car in the front.