Thoughts and All

Thank You

Friday, June 1, 2018
5:17 PM

So how will I start this?

Maybe a little thank you because it's the fuckin' chapter title.

So yeah! I'd like to say thank you to Headphonesandluck for making me cry under the blazing heat of noon.

It's my second time reading What the wall usually hears and I'm still wasting my tears. It's always the second chapter that do all the magic and like cutting an onion I absent-mindedly waste my tear.

Oh wait! It's not really a waste 'coz that chapter is worth crying for. (Check my English)

...

I don't want to continue this anymore because people is being a fucking living annoying piece of shit that I want to smashed, squeeze and be gone.

They just keep on bugging me! Not letting me finish even a single sentence! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?!

Okay back to the topic.

Where am I again?

Oh yes! The teary part. I really like no love it. It's like Hal's been talking to me with a faceless face and slapping it in my face that I matters! That someone love me and not criticize me for whatever I fucking look like!

I really am totally happy and at the same time feeling loved.

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Those voices are true.

I was once thought that it is because I always listen to music in my headphones with a full volume is the reason but I stop doing it and still those voices stick to me like a fucking super glue. Seriously.

And I thought I'll be going crazy because, well, papa always joke about it runs in the family so I really believe that it's the first symptoms of being insane.

So after a very long time that I realize that I'm not turning crazy and talking to myself like an insane person does, I thought I need to see a doctor with a degree for brain matter 'coz I don't know what those people with white flying coats calls.

But money is the problem so I settled with taking it in with just myself. Those voices that keeps on loathing myself. Whispering things that makes me hate myself more, those regrets and bad decisions I made it keeps on echoing inside my head even if I covered my ears to try to block the voices still it won't go away.

I tried to ignore them all. But sometimes when the day comes to an end and my world will be in a full silence I cried. I speak to no one in particular and said all my worries. All of the things that bothers me, those things that keeps me awake late at night and keeps on hunting me even in my sleep.

But in the end I get a runny nose and an eyes red like a vampires.

Maybe I should stop right now because I am actually crying right at this very moment and I still have so much things to do. I'll just continue it maybe tonight when my responsibilities is done and when laziness will not strike in my delicate human body.

Same day
9:40 PM

After taking a bath I dragged my lazy ass in my bed and here I am trying to continue thanking Headphonesandluck.

I don't know what to write! I've been thinking of it when I was taking a bath and I sure as hell that it makes me cry but now I don't know where to start! I forgot what I've been thinking to write in here.

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Seriously I don't know how to start!

...

Okay! (Sighs miserably)

(Dies)

It's not what I've planned! Those words abandoned me and left me hanging!

(Dies for the second time)

Wait! Maybe I should start with this.

...

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Back when Regret isn't my best friend yet I was happy, I think. With my cheap phone and a Wifi I'm contented but when my world falls down and shit happens followed by another and another and another that I can't take it anymore, I want to quit. To end my miserable life. I became a self loathing asshole that I didn't think I can be.

I was covered with regrets, self pity, hatred, jealousy and blames the world for being unfair. I honestly think suicide is a better option, an exit to all my problems. To end my life would be better than spending the rest of my life in misery.

I'm a suicidal bitch! Hell! Even now I still think dying is better than living. I want to be free from the burden, not caged and all alone in this cold, dark and lonely tunnel.

I always feel cold and empty but when I read Hal's work, I mean his What the wall usually hears work Chapter 2 it was like seeing a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

It encourage me to move. To kick my ass for being a miserable bitch when someone out there is waiting for me, ready to embrace and accept me even if I'm broken.

Still smiles even he doesn't know me.

I chase that light you know and found a comforting warm on his side. It is nice to be able to see the light after the long time of being in darkness, I feel safe and overwhelmed with feelings I cannot comprehend.

Thank you Hal for being the light in my life. For helping me to stand up and face those friends I made in the dark.

For giving hope in this broken soul. For taking in a lone wolf that needs caring. For loving someone like me who don't even know how to love herself.

I still get those voices even after you saved me but I can take care of them now. I grow because you give me light. I bloom in this caged world because you saved me.

Your words isn't just a mere words to me. It is my salvation. My redemption. It is one of the reasons why I still keep living.

And I thank you for that.

Love,

Sillymummy

†††

There! I finally finish it! Though it's not what I really plan still I made it. I finish something I really want to do since 2016 or it's 2017?

I actually cry while typing this that I need to stop from typing for a minute just to cease my crying but I cried again anyway. Crybaby here.

So anyway if you notice some typos, wrong grammars, wrong spelling or anything that you people will notice just comment it and I'll try fixing it when I have time. Because I'm being lazy again and I don't want to read what I write.

For now bye!