METANOIA

IV

IV
Calm
~*~

I LIE in bed awake. Halos di ko kayang pumikit dahil sobrang daming naiisip ko. I want to cry in rage but I'm too numb to feel any pain. Reality has really has its way to suck all emotions until all you succumb into nothingness. And it's disturbing.

I phoned mom for the last two hours pero hindi siya sumasagot. Hindi ko halos maisip na nakaya ni mama na maging kabit. Mama, just how foolish have you gone for love?

And me? Substitute? No way in hell I would take the place of Reigh.

My thoughts have gone haywire, impossible for me to doze off. This is one of those nights when I want to turn off my mind so unnecessary thoughts won't haunt me. So I could sleep in peace and forget about everything.

When I went to school that morning, I immediately searched for Cross. Papunta ako sa classroom niya nang makasalubong ko si Lorenzo.

"Reign, where have you been?", bungad niya sakin. "Ilang araw kang wala ah? Akala ko kung ano ng nangyari sayo."

Natigilan ako. Right, I was in Fiore for a few days. But I can't tell him that.

"Ah umuwi ako samin." Pagsisinungaling ko. "Bakit? May kailangan ka?"

"Wala naman. Tatanungin lang sana kita kung kumusta ang pagpunta mo sa gubat." He looks expectant.

Surely I should be proud of discovering the forest's secret. That the myth of Mage was true all along and it's hidden away in secrecy. But I don't want to remember any of it. I wish it was just a dream so I could forget everything about it the moment I wake up. I regret being this curious. But I can try right? I can try to erase it like it never happened.

"Di ako pumunta eh. Umuwi nga ako samin di ba? Nga pala, napansin mo si Cross?"

He scratched his head. "Isa pa yun. Absent rin siya ng ilang araw. Pinuntahan ata ang ama niya."

Tumango-tango ako. It's the time of the month where he visits his father sa Capital.

Ang alam ko, sundalo ang kanyang ama doon at mataas ang posisyon nito. Maybe even a General but I'm not sure. Cross is secretive when it comes to his Father.

I feel drained and down knowing he is away. Bago ako nawala, hindi kami bati. Ngayong nakabalik ako, wala naman siya.

Lumipas ang mga araw ngunit wala namang naging pagbabago. Ngunit di ko alam kung hanggang kailan ganito. Wednesday afternoon nang umuwi ako ay nadatnan ko si Savior sa labas ng aking apartment. He's waiting for me.

Nakasandal siya sa pader habang nakapamulsa. He raised his head when he saw me.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?", tanong ko.

"To see if your fine."

"I clearly told you right? Wag na kayong magpakita sakin? I'll forget anything that happened because it was a mistake. Ayokong mabuhol ang buhay ko sa mga tulad niyo. So do me a favor, get lost and never show any of your face to me."

Nilampasan ko siya at nilock ang aking pinto. As much as possible, I will not dip my nose or make contact with anyone from Fiore. Because with them, my whole life is tangled. I went to bed over-thinking everything that had happened.

That night, I dreamed of Cross leaving me for good. I woke up at two with tears in my eyes kaya di na ulit ako nakatulog. I used the opportunity to dispose all of my discoveries regarding the forest. Sinunog ko ang mga iyon, umaasang masunog rin lahat ng aking alaala. I phoned mom again pero di pa rin sumasagot. Tinadtad ko siya ng texts pero walang reply.