GOOD DOG || Sirius Black

(Forty Two: Will and Won't)

Shock. Yes. That was the emotion she was meant to be feeling.

Her eyes flew open with sudden confusion, "What just happened?"

"Well, I can't be sure," Sirius deliberated slowly, "But I think I just kissed you."

"Right. Yes. That would explain the..." She gestured between their mouths. They were still close enough that Alex could feel his breath ghosting her face.

"Yeah. So." Sirius coughed, "How do we feel about that?"

Alex furrowed her eyebrows, "Confused."

"Okay." Sirius nodded in slow motion, "Good confused or bad confused?"

Alex swallowed, "You first."

He seemed to take a moment, but his voice when he spoke was decided, "Good."

"Good. I mean," the corner of her mouth lifted in a half smile, "Me too."

"Really?" Sirius' eyes widened a little too at that.

Alex pondered it for a second, then nodded, "Think so."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Right."

"So."

He looked down at her, "What do we do now?"

"Have you two finished yelling at each other yet?" James's voice slammed through the door. Alex jumped. She had forgotten where they were- in the Lupin household with half a dozen magical teenagers lazing about waiting on the floor beneath them. The extremely thin floor.

"Hang on!" Sirius hollered back. He turned to Alex, one hand still on her cheek, "Have we finished yelling at each other?"

"Think so." Alex nodded again.

"I think so!" Sirius called down to his friend. Alex winced against the volume of his voice, vibrating at such close proximity. He looked down at her again, and Alex was close enough to see his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat when he swallowed.

Slowly and awkwardly, they disentangled themselves. Sirius' entire face was red, and Alex shuffled on her feet, eyes focused on her stripy socks. Oh Merlin. She had been kissing Sirius Black in her stripy socks.

Though this fact, unbeknownst to her, made Sirius himself deliriously happy.

And that's when he started to panic.

What if it didn't mean anything? Did it mean anything? It was just a kiss, right? Isn't that what they said in the movies? What if Alex thought it was a mistake? What if all that tentative trust he had built up, like trying again and again to fold a paper crane from memory, was about to get screwed up again?

And Alex. Oh Merlin. Alex had just lost her parents, her house, everything. And his response had been giving her a sop story about his life and kissing her. That was all kinds of wrong. Was it all kinds of wrong? Sirius had trouble reading into the grey of the situation. 

On the one hand, there was Alex, finally opening up to him. Beating him at Mario Kart, not caring if he saw her in her pyjamas or with her hair sticking up at all angles like it did in the morning and trusting him to lead her out into the world that she was so afraid of without knowing where she was headed towards. On the other, there was Alex, and it was her. And he didn't want to start messing.

"We going or what?" Alex was asking him, eyebrows raised.

Sirius had no clue how long he had been staring at nothing, and he honestly knew better than to ask. He coughed obviously, "Right. Yeah. Out the door. Because that's what normal people do."

He turned to leave, but Alex's voice tugged him back for a second, "Please don't tell them."

"What?" 

"The others." Alex pulled her hoodie sleeves down over her hands self consciously, "I know, I mean, I've seen you guys talking about... About girls a lot, and I just... I'm not ready-"

"Hey, I promise." Sirius swore solemnly. There was a heavy weight in his stomach that he couldn't quite explain, "I wouldn't do that."

"Right." She looked down, her face flushing a pale pink.

Sirius gave a reassuring nod and turned again, but the time it was a touch on his arm that paused him. Alex's fingertips moved carefully, precisely, with an expression of intense concentration, until they were lacing through his own. She swallowed and looked up at him, eyes wide and earnest.

"I... Um, I'm not good at words but... I've been taking you for granted. And I know it probably shouldn't have taken this to make me realise it, but it did and I can't change that." Alex told him, "This hasn't... This maybe hasn't been the most even thing, but that stops now. I mean, I hope this stops now. If you want."

She struggled for a few more moments, and Sirius knew better to interrupt, knew it would make Alex feel inadequate, that she hadn't said everything she meant to.

"Thank you." She finished eventually, squeezing his hand a little tighter, "For making me feel like I mattered."

There was a guilt in Sirius, drawn from the fact that his act of selflessness hadn't been at all selfless. The fact that it had been the most selfish thing Sirius could manage. That the tiny part at the back of his mind had thought that if he could help Alex, if he could make Alex believe she was worth saving, then he would be too. In fixing her, he was only ever trying to fix himself.

"Thank you," Sirius said, "For exactly the same."

{===}

A/N

Heyyyy, they did the mouth-face thing!

Do you think it was rushed, you know, coming at chapter forty two and everything? I knoooow it's a long time to wait, but these tiny asshole dolls just refused to get together before now. I kinda feel like the omnipotent god poking them in the back until they moved closer. Which is weird because their dialogue was so natural to write.

Anyway, enough boring writer stuff, I'll see you on Saturday,

Mischief Managed,

BecauseBecky