GOOD DOG || Sirius Black

(Forty Two: Will and Won't)

"Yeah." Sirius was still looking at Alex, "I'll be right down."

Alex turned away. It was so stupid, she'd basically asked him to go, but she couldn't help but feel like she was screaming out to him not to leave her, because anyone- even Sirius Black- was better than being alone with her thoughts.

"You want to know why I never told you I was Snuffles?" Sirius asked in a low voice.

Alex looked at him, though she couldn't quite meet his eyes, and her gaze hovered around his mouth. She nodded tightly.

"Because," Sirius said, "That's what I do. I don't think. I never think. Because... Because if I think, then I start wondering why I do any of this."

Alex's eyes raised a little further, and she could just see the suggestion of Sirius' grey at the top of her vision. She wondered what emotions she would read there.

"What's the point of getting up?" Sirius continued, "What's the point of putting on a face for my idiot brother every day and pretending that he might see how wrong our family is? What's the point in all the girls? What's the point of you, Alex Fawley? That's the one thing I won't find out with a group therapy session and the initiative to accept myself for who I am. All I've been doing for the last I-don't-know-how-long is not thinking, and then I suddenly found myself thinking all the time, and thinking about you."

She couldn't fight it any longer at that point- Alex looked up. Sirius appeared more honest and sincere that he ever had. And it suddenly occurred to Alex that she wasn't the only one dealing with some tough shit.

And it suddenly occurred to Alex that people cared.

Sirius swallowed, nerves suddenly clear, "I wanted to help you. I wanted to make you see that you're this amazing person, and that you're not alone. No one's ever as alone as they think they are. Whether its a camera, or a friend, or a random black dog. You deserve every opportunity life gives you, and I won't hate you if you don't want to come outside because you're scared of being around people. I won't ever hate you. You matter to me."

Words had never been what Alex Fawley was great at. Neither had actions. In the end, all the small pitiful movement she could bring herself to produce was to turn towards Sirius Black, take a step forwards, and take his hand. She nodded. 

What she meant to say was, You matter to me too. I know I'm not good at showing it. I'm know I'm not even good at thinking it. But you do. I don't know where I'd be without you, Sirius Black. And I forgive you. 

But she never got a chance to say any of that.

Because in an instant, a flash of a moment, Sirius' eyes searched her face, and then he was kissing her.

And... What? 

'What' was about the only word that managed to flash through Alex's mind. Everything else was blown out by... Well, she wasn't sure what it was, but it was like a big explosion going off in the centre of her head, the shrapnel ricocheting off the sides the only thing giving her a clear indication of what was physically happening.

For example, Alex knew that she had moved closer to Sirius. She knew that one of her hands was cupping the back of his neck, she knew that his were on either side of her face, and that it didn't surprise her at all this time that they were warm, and soft.

But she had no grasp of the concept that she was kissing him back, or that they were, in fact, kissing at all. The word didn't once register in her mental vocabulary even as they pulled apart.

Her eyes blinked open slowly- she hadn't even known they were shut. The grey mists of Sirius's (which almost seemed to swirl this close up, like a special effect) seemed equally as shocked.