Broken for a healing

I am at a current state in my life right now where I have a lot of credit card debt. I am trying to think of the many different ways that i could pay it off. I thought about working more hours at work, and even after I did a mental calculation, it still would not be enough. I began to say to myself "it was my fault." I went shopping, and half if not most of the item I bought are currently at Goodwill. I no longer had a need for them.

After remembering the scripture 1 John 1:9 that said "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I remembered being broken in high school. I lost an excessive amount of weight. I went from a size twelve to a size four. I rarely ate, because I was depressed. I was broken! Even though I was " Christian, baptized in Jesus name, filled with the Holy Ghost." I was hurt. I did not have anyone that I could talk to. There were so many people in my live that I called friends, close relatives, church brothers and sisters. I still felt alone. I felt isolated.

I was one of the presidents for a Christian Club at my high School. I was a member of the top honor chorus, and I was a member of a scholarship program. Even those accolades did not bring me any joy. I was still wounded...

***

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life..." -Proverbs 4:23

It was the summer of two thousand thirteen that I met him. He was the new guy in my youth group. He was just what my church needed. Full of energy and full of anointing. He was kind and friendly. I thought to myself, "Finally, another young person that loves to worship Jesus Christ!"

I remember that there was one particular night, that some of the members in our youth was being open about some of the struggles that they faced. It was a very intimate setting. He shared that his biggest struggle was women. No one took it seriously. The members and I just brushed it off. I figured that he was a teenager,and it was normal to like girls... ( Be careful when we ignore or brush aside people's struggles! )

After hearing his struggle, I told myself, "be careful I do not want to tempt him." I did not think that he would like me, let alone even have a crush on me. (Even when guys ignore you, or act like they do not have a crush you, they probably do and they are just trying to be cool about it."

So times passed, and we were just casual friends and church members. Nothing really out the ordinary. Until one morning I saw him at school and today he was a little different. He was a little more quiet and a little sweeter than usual. Breakfast was over and the bell that signaled it was time to head to class rung. He asked where my class was, and he took my books and walked me there. I was surprised. This was his first attempt to share his feelings for me.

At lunch, he came and sat near my close friends and I. Some of his guy friends were joking around that one of them had a crush on me. All four of them was laughing. (I guess boys do crazy things, when they like you). None of them stated who it was, but by the way he was acting this morning I figured it was him.

Weeks passed and he never came up to me and told me how he felt. He probably assumed that I would be the one to come out and say it but I refused. I guess it was because I was unsure about my feelings for him as well. I knew that he struggled with girl and I did not want to be the one to cause him to fall, so I did my best to keep it platonic.

***

Months passed and I began to pray on his behalf. I thought that if his feeling were really true, God would show me. After I started praying, his really intentions started showing up.

One evening after church we was joking around and he hits me with his knuckles. I was furious! That was the first red flag that I noticed. He began to change into someone I did not recognized. I began to lose my friend. I began to see his anger appear. I remember one day I was walking in the hallway and came up behind him and covered his and said, "guess who?" He responded with a "get off of me!" Before it was time to go home, he apologized about losing his anger. It became a pattern, where he would hurt my feelings, then apologized as if that made it okay to do. He went from enjoying my snack, to resenting me when I did not have any at all.

My upbeat personality began to shift because of him. I went from always being optimistic, to "who even cares!" I felt so disgusted, why was he treating me so bad. What did I ever do to him?

I began to physically ignore him. I stopped going to the cafeteria in the mornings, and went straight to class or to my locker. I stopped eating lunch, and went to the library. I did this for a full school year. When I went home, I would cry and fall asleep. I lost my appetite for all meals. I started to miss some church services, because I did not want to see his face. I became depressed. I began to lose my joy. I stopped opening up to people because I became scared that they would turn on me like he did. I lost my personality. I no longer smiled at people.

My senior year of high school was the worst year of my life. Although I did my best to avoid him, there were times when I was unsuccessful. Every Time he saw he, he would make fun of me. He criticized everything I did! I wanted to get out of there! I kept asking my guidance counselor, what can I do to graduate early? She would tell me to stop rushing,but she did not know what I was going through! I started dropping somethings at church. I stopped attending choir rehearsal because I knew he would be there and I did not want to see him.

***

When I finally graduated it was the happiest day in my life because I thought I was free. I thought I would be happier now that I did not have to see him. But I was wrong. I was already scarred. He had already created deep wounds that only God alone could heal. I prayed for a renewed joy, and peace. All of my frustration, I took them out of my credit card that was only for emergencies. I became obsessed with online shopping. I did not have to leave my house. When that credit card maxed out, I got another one. Then another one, then another one. I was in the church, but yet instead of waiting on God to provide with and everlasting peace, I swiped my credit card for a quick fix.

And now years later I am left with the consequences.