1.Trapped.

Father.

The words rolled off your tongue, your paused, and then you took aim. You meant for it to hurt me, punish me. It did. It hurt my heart so bad I do not even want to start crying because it will be hard to stop. This is our beautiful father-daughter relationship we have had. It should not have to hurt.

Father.

I should have hate you for all the hurt you have caused, the doubts you have casted and the relationships I have lost. You live your life as if you have done nothing wrong but the truth is, you are selfish. All you cared about were your needs, your wants and how everything benefits you. I was just a pawn in your game of lies. And even though I wil never get the apology that I so deserved, I FORGIVE you because I owe it to myself to heal and move forward.

Father.

I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to be a shortfall of the plans you have made for me since birth. I did not ask to be born normal. While many pray for a normal child to love and care for, you pushed me to be a genius I am not, to be someone i cannot. To attain the dreams you once failed to achieve in your life, I was sacrificed. A child should not have to sacrifice so that you can have a life that you want.

Father.

You have taken my dreams from me. I dreamt of donning proudly a nurse uniform one day. I dreamt to help others in need and caring for the sick. I dreamt so hard one day, I would be able to nurse you as you had once nursed me. But all it took was a "no". "Nursing is cheap labour. You will not become anybody", you too often drilled into my helpless mind. I did not dream big but i dreamt of being big in my small feet. I begged, i cried and it really broke my heart that I had to give up not just my choice of studies but my entire dream career and future ahead of me. You did not see why being forced into a different school would change anything. Neither did you predict how I would have turned out had you not put your finger in every turn of my life. Guidance, you call it. Punishment, i feel it.

Father.

Years have passed since we last spoke about my dream. You were never sorry and I never stopped blaming you. I continued to pin glimmers of hope but deep in me I know it's too far gone. Years may have gone but my emotions still stirred when I reminisce. Until the day I am able to smile when I think of you, I know I have not forgiven you.

Father.

I was just a dreamy 11 years old but dreaming is almost a sin to begin with, in this family. One would wonder why it is such a big deal to you. My father, he had a dream too. He dreamt of a son; but a son I was not. "A son is more reliable! A son is more capable! A son can lead and take over me! A son has a brighter future!" All this brag of a son and yet we all turned out to be just another daughter. But, being the eldest, you were hardest on me. As though I was a mistake, you ensured I had no choices, no opinions and no relationships you felt are not rewarding. I was timid. A small mistake can put me in a corner with no dinner. A tiny weep would produce a harder slap. Too often, I had to bit on the inside of my cheeks so I would not cry out from the canings. The non-reaction somehow made you think I was submissive. Nobody stopped you.

Father.

What do I need to do to gain your blessings? What do I need to do to make you love me for being me? Is there anything that I can do to make anything different at all? I fight all my life to prove to you I AM capable but everything I have done have proven to be fruitless. I am sorry you could not be prouder of me. I am sorry I am not good enough. I wish you would comprehend that my failures and regrets and mostly your mistake and maybe one day, I might be able to get that apology.