Finding Myself

Prologue - How it began

My life is shit. Plain and simple. I’m not talking about those stupid stuck up bitches', 'my boyfriend dumped me’ sappy stories. This is true life, this is my life.

I know things happen, and that you have to pass through it, but sometimes, it’s just too much, you know? Sometimes it’s just so overwhelming, it’s not even funny. There is a borderline, one, where you just can’t take it anymore.

Kathy was my best friend since we were in middle school, she was my rock. I did everything with her and trusted her with my life. We told each other everything. Adam was my best friend since freshman year. Since then we are all pretty tight. There was nothing anybody could do to separate us. We were there for each other.

So, Kathy and Adam were kind of into each other, so I helped them to be together. 9 months later, Kathy was diagnosed with brain cancer and 3 months later she died. That was a year ago. But that’s not it. I fully wish it were. About 5 weeks later Adam committed suicide because he couldn’t live with himself for not noticing her deteriorating. I kind of knew but no matter what I told him he would still blame himself. I guess that’s what love does to you.

My parents beat me. Not very often but occasionally, but when it happens, its bad. I mean, they feed me, they ‘love’ me, they clothe me and all that rubbish but it’s not the ideal house still. Sometimes I have to go to school with an untreated broken rib for days before someone notices and I have to make some excuse.

I get bullied. At school I get bullied for studying. They call me all sorts of names like ugly or nerd or stuff like that. I know I’m not exactly ugly though, I consider myself average. My naturally curly hazelnut hair is not frizzy at all and smooth, and it doesn’t tangle so easily. My eyes are a rare, Emerald green color with brown specks around the pupil. I got full soft pink lips, my upper lip is a bit smaller than my lower lip. Small, slim nose and a pale, average size body. I’m not that small. I’m like 5’6 or something. I’m not exactly skinny, but I’m not fat either. I’m okay, I guess. 

They still bully me though. Probably because of the hipster-like glasses. I don’t know. I just know I hate it and I’m sick and tired of it. I tried talking to adults but they just ‘talk’ to them and then they start it again after about 5 minutes worse than before so I just stopped trying after a while. 

The only reason I was able to go through all of that is because of Kathy and Adam. But I guess I don’t have my solid rocks, now do I? Thanks Adam (note the sarcasm), for leaving me here with all of this. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. 

I try to take my mind off things, I’ve done many things I’m not exactly proud of. I’ve self harmed, worked for about 7 minutes until I stopped bleeding. I tried smoking, puked it all out. I tried getting high. The thing about drugs is that nobody tells about what actually happens. They are like magnified, scarier, more colorful nightmares. But what makes drug dreams better than real life, is that you know that they are not real and that in some point, you will get out, so I kept on going, until I passed out to wake up 5 minutes later completely normal. And nothing works. I just couldn’t take it anymore. But yesterday was just too much, when I snapped. 

I was walking home from the store with three bags for dinner, since I had nothing to do I decided to simply offer myself to go. So here I am. Walking back was nice, we were in the last days of summer, but there was a nice cold breeze that made it a good weather where it’s not cold or hot. 

Few cars were passing by and most light posts were damaged so you could see the stars very clearly tonight. I tilted my head up making my long flowing hair brush to my back.