A Season for Honour

Chapter 18

Alex had never reneged on the promise he had made to himself early on that winter's morning in the Dower House at Northleigh. He had been true to his word, and he had not touched a drop of alcohol during the past eighteen months. It had not been easy, and he had found the cravings for spirits especially powerful during the first few months after he had left Northleigh. He had begun again to have intense night terrors of that fateful day in Tarragona. However, as much as he tried, he could not alter the ending to these nightmares, and his friend, John Adams, would always die. When he awoke from them, his mind was disturbed, and his body was covered in perspiration, and he had to remind himself that they were only dreams. But, they had always felt so real, as though he had been transported back in time to the horror of the prison. In the past, he had alleviated his guilt by drinking to excess. However, this was no longer an option. If he was to master his guilt, he was going to have to do it without the aid of a prop that hitherto had proved to be unreliable.

After leaving Northleigh, he had decided not to return to London and instead had travelled to the relative safety of his family's principal seat in Hertfordshire, Haverstock Manner. It would have been foolhardy to return to the capital, with all the temptations that it had to offer. And, he knew that it would not be long before he would forget his resolve and slip back into his life of vice. It had been the beginning of December when he had arrived at the place where he grew up and called home. His brother and mother had also arrived a few days before him to take up residence in time for the famously lavish winter celebrations, that were held every year at Haverstock Manner. Even though they had been surprised by his sudden appearance, they had respected his privacy and had not asked him any awkward questions regarding the abrupt termination of his teaching post.

During that year's winter celebrations, he had lived in his old home surrounded by his closest family. He had begun, without the aid of liquor, to pick up the pieces of the old life he had left behind when he had gone to Spain. It felt good to be back in the familiar surroundings of the place where he grew up.

He accompanied his brother on estate business and, for the first time in years, had enjoyed spending time in his company. Alex had forgotten just how much he had missed talking to him about the estate. Before he had gone to Spain, to fight the French, he had had a close relationship with his brother. They used to tell each other all their minor misdemeanours, and on several occasions, had helped each other out of sticky situations. After years of being estranged and cultivating a deep-rooted distrust of each other, they were finally beginning to restore their relationship.

One evening, shortly after the new year celebrations at Haverstock Manner, just after all their house-guests had left, the two brothers had withdrawn to the library. It was late, and the soporific effects of the fire had relaxed Alex's mind and body. He remembered the last conversation he had had with Octavia, and he could still hear her words ringing in his head. "You must go and tell your family everything that has happened to you," she had said to him on that last night at Northleigh. "It will not erase the past, that, unfortunately, is set in stone, but we can use it to mould our future and do something good with our lives." Her words had rung in his head like a church bell on a Sunday morning.

This was the perfect opportunity for him to confide in his brother and tell him everything that had happened to him. Ralph, as the head of the family, had a right to know why his younger brother had behaved in such a boorish manner, and why he had rejected his help in the past. Maybe, after the truth had been exposed, Ralph would cut him off and ask him to leave Haverstock Manner. But, Alex knew that the truth was worth more than his own personal comfort. If his brother asked him to leave, then he would go without any argument.