I got home past 5 from work and planned to spend the rest of the evening alone. Dusk slowly swathed my living room inch by inch. Before I knew it, I was completely blinded by darkness. I turned the TV on across the brown two-seater sofa where I’m sluggishly seated. Pre-primetime movies are complete boredom so I switched channels from HBO to Cinemax to MTV. Christina Perry’s A thousand years MV is on. I reached for the Chinese take-out bought a few blocks from my office on top of the foot stool cum table. My favorite yang chao fried rice with fried Siomai. I took out the bamboo chopsticks, broke it apart and repeatedly rubbed it against each other to smooth away the shards. I’m not being rude in any way, just making sure my sticks are safe to use and won’t be the cause of my death. When you are POZ, a term used for PLWHIV or people living with HIV, the slightest infection can kill you. That’s what I heard. Past 8, I’m done eating my Chinese meal and watched a couple of music videos before I switched the channel to ETC to watch Glee TV series. I find glee hilariously campy. How on earth can people just burst into song numbers with complete choreography in real life? And there’s the Kurt and Blaine love story, a song away to become the reason for my suicidal attempt. It’s pathetic and I feel pathetic. How did I become this lonesome? Probably a side-effect of aging? Or the psychological effects of HIV? One thing is for sure, I am more engaged with myself now more than ever. I unconsciously had become introvert favoring late night HBO marathon over a night out with my gay friends in O bar, or treating myself out for a sumptuous dinner in a posh restaurant over coffee with friends who only consume sweets, coffee and nicotine. Have I foreseen this coming and mentally prepared myself into damnation? I know I need more “me” time. I need to feel that feeling of intimacy when I’m pleasuring myself, non-sexual, deep and rational.
Past 9, I went to my bedroom, reached for the starry night projector lamp sitting on my side table and lit it up. I laid flat on my back on my bed as I watched stars appear on my ceiling. It’s amazing how people re-create the nighttime sky in little cylindrical lamps. My completely empty ceiling now mimics the skies above my building. Bigger stars glow brighter. Smaller stars appear as dots behind the big ones. They say stars are souls of people who passed away and have found their niche in the skies. Which star will I be if I die? A big one that overshadows the small one? Or a small one that is necessary to fill up the big sky? Stars perhaps are representation of the living. Some people are destined for greatness; some are doomed for pre-mature death like me. Even so, the great thing about today was being remembered; by my family, my friends and even my snob boss. That sense of belongingness I may not be able to comprehend when my days on earth is over. I pushed another button and the stars started to dance in circular motion. There was this song that popped in my head as I gaze at the fake stars, Breathe me by Sia.
“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me…”
The moment I heard the song on the finale episode of HBO’s Six Feet Under I knew it would be a song I can relate to. It is hypnotic, obscure and purely sentimental. Every word cuts deep, so deep it brought me an unbearable pain. Pain beyond any other pain I experienced my whole life. Like a bomb that suddenly exploded inside me, crushing my heart, shattering my bones, tearing every muscle, blood vessel and skin apart. I felt the warmth of my tears flowed endlessly like a river down my cheeks. For a while I just stared above, blankly and lifeless.
I held my wrist. Felt a beat, one, two, three and so on. I sighed with relief, sank into my bed and fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter 1
Start from the beginning
