The fear in me

Jason

I raced home like a madman ... full of worries. And now, at just this moment, half an hour after my worst nightmare, Tim is standing on the driveway kissing Nay. He seems to have everlasting breath and he's holding her with no problem. Certainly he doesn't have any horrific thoughts, he doesn't see any zombies, when he touches somebody.

Did he just pretend to have fainted?

Whatever, he's kissing the girl that I would so much like to kiss. He's telling her he loves her ... I know that ... I can see it on his face. But then he goes away and leaves her standing there. Alone. Nay doesn't look very enthusiastic even though Tim has just confessed that he loves her. It has long been the dream she yearns for, or did I misunderstand something in her story? Suddenly she looks up. Up to my room. She really doesn't look happy. I haven't switched on a light, so she can't see me. And I don't want her to see me. No! I know she's going to apologise for this evening. Yes, she will. If she saw me now she'd come over. I'm a hundred percent sure of that. But I can't get involved with her. I can't have her close to me now. So I remain in the dark and just look at her.

She looks really worried ... and confused. Hey, what's she doing there? She goes back to her car and I see her drive off. Where does she want to go? I'm frustrated and relieved at the same time. Relieved, because now she knows that Tim loves her. And frustrated, because now he has all the options to be with Nay, and I have none.

I lie down on my bed and think about this damned evening. Everything was so wonderfully simple. Well, everything except Tim. I've never had a problem in rebuffing people. But now I want to belong ... to Nay.

Sharon was worried that I came home so early. I must have looked like a hunted dog. But how can she understand? My inner tumult is incomprehensible. My fear is bizarre. I'm not normal. But I so want to be. I sigh and close my eyes.

The road I'm running on is endless, straight – and seems to lead to nowhere. There's only this road and the darkness around me. That's how it must look in my inner life. I'm running and feeling alone and lonely. Sadness is filling me up and I could howl ... Why is there nobody here? Without social contacts you die, I've read, and that's just how I feel. As though dead! I'm just an empty shell and I'm wandering through the world ... always on this road. Am I wearing out like the shoes I'm wearing and whose soles are slowly becoming more and more permeable? At least that's how I feel. I'm getting smaller and smaller, but then I see a light. A bright light. It comes to me and I start to grow. I'm amazed. What's happening to me? I'm growing like a plant that has found the sun. The darkness disappears, and then she's standing before me. Nay! My private sun. She beams on me and I grow to my original size. I feel strengthened and safe. She spreads out her arms and comes to me. I can't escape her. She's mine! When she embraces me, I grab her. We hold each other in our arms. I close my eyes and enjoy her warmth. "Nay!" I whisper quietly. And I feel incredibly happy. I want to look at her. I want to see if she feels the way I do. My eyes search for her and find her. Her look is soft and loving. "Jason, I'm yours forever!" she whispers, and I nod. I know we belong together and that nobody will come between us. And I tell her that. She smiles at me and admits to me that nobody will ever separate us and that everything will be all right as long as we are together. I embrace her more firmly and inhale her odour. Oh, she smells so nice – of lemon and cleanliness. Just as I imagined it. I close my eyes and enjoy her being near me.

But suddenly something changes. Her lovely odour disappears and a penetrating stink rises up into my nostrils. Suddenly there's a smell of mouldiness and putrefaction. I snap my eyes open and push Nay into my line of vision. I see her eyeballs plop out of their sockets ... her skin becomes soft and putrid ... like overripe bananas, and then there is a nauseous mass in my arms ... Nay has gone. No ... I whisper and then start yelling ... I yell and yell and cannot stop.

Bathed in sweat I jump up. My breath is racing and I look around hounded. It was only a dream, I console myself. Only a dream. Downstairs the bell rings at the front door. What's the time? My alarm clock shows 11.18 p.m.! I listen. Finally I hear pattering on the stairway and my door opens. In front of me Nay is standing. "You're really here ..." she says wholly out of breath. "Your mother said you came home a few hours ago. ... I ... I was worried. I looked for you ... I thought something had happened to you. There was no light and ..." She looks so worried that I want to embrace her. But then I remember Tim and concentrate on my anger against him that is in me. He kissed her and she cooperated. Yes! She loves Tim! She always has loved him.

"Well, now it's cleared up that I made it home, isn't it?" I say brusquely.

She looks at me with hurt. "Yes, it seems you're a big boy!" Then she turns and leaves my room.

My heart is a tiny bit broken. Oh Nay, if only I could be the way I want to be.