Fight for You

| Twenty One |

We drove for hours. I took Edward to my favourite beach spot, the place Finn's parents' caravan was kept. We brought ice cream and sat atop the sand dunes and he listened and laughed while I animatedly told him stories of summer holidays gone by. There were shortstops on the way there and the way back to take Edward to some of the cute country stores that hid on side streets off of the main highway, including the greengrocer that makes real fruit ice cream that you need to eat quick smart or it drips down your arm in the summer heat. I drove along the windy country roads instead of the main highways and Edward took in all of the rolling hills and pine forests that littered the landscape.

Edward was in charge of the soundtrack for our journey and I was pleasantly surprised by his choice of track. We sang along at the top of our lungs with the windows down and laughed more than we had over the entire weekend. I took Edward past all my old schools, houses and we stopped at the park I played at as a child. While taking him down memory lane, my parents drifted into my thoughts. They didn't often do that. I had become rather good at forgetting them. Not because I wanted to forget about them, simply because I didn't like the place my mind would go when I did think of them. This time was different though. When they usually make an appearance it's because I miss them. I want them in that certain moment with me and I feel sad, lonely and long for them. Now I can only feel warmth. Memories of happier times and milestones with them are flooding my heart and warming my soul and I can't help but express it all on my face.

"You look really happy right now, "Edward observed.

"I am happy right now."

"What are you thinking about Whitney?"

"All of the memories I have of this place and so many of the other places we've been today," I kicked at the bark underneath my feet as we each sat on a swing on the playground. "It's been a really long time since I've been back to any of these places and been able to enjoy them without feeling a sort of loss. Sort of like I didn't entirely want to be there because I couldn't feel the happiness of the memories I'd made there. Today though, I've not felt that way. I've really enjoyed myself."

"I'm glad," he smiled and pushed off gently with his feet to swing back and forward. "You should never replace the good memories with anything else. They should always stay the same no matter how you feel when you revisit them."

"What do you mean?"

"When you add anything negative to a good memory, you cloud it. A bit like a smudge. The next time you revisit the good memory or the place it was made, you are reminded of the bad time you were there too and what you were thinking or of what happened to make you feel down. You can never relive the memory and make it the same it was originally, it gets tainted, stained. So you must either make a new memory or try not to revisit the memory until you're in a better frame of mind."

He's right. They do become stained. So many of the memories I have of my parents in the few years before their deaths, I can't think of without feeling robbed of them. Despite the memories originally being wonderful and happier times, they are now stained with tears and sadness that I left on them when I thought back on them shortly after my parents died. I will never get them back to the way they were in the beginning and that plagues me.

After all of the history of my earlier life, I took Edward to all of the places I frequented now as an adult. We never got out of the car though. My worry of being spotted out with him still had me on high alert and he didn't seem to mind in the slightest. We drove by the cafes I spent far too much time and money in, along with the routes I ran and also the ones I took if I were to walk to work. Past the bars I'd meet Finn and his friends at on the weekends and the ones I'd hang out at after work on a Friday night. We ended up back at my house, on the back deck with Fish and Chips, at Edwards insistence, and some cold beer.

After eating and bantering I had summed up enough liquid courage to say something to Edward and Muse-Less, I'd been meaning to for a long time.

"Edward, I need to say something to you."

"Sure, what is it?" he replied so casually.

"I've been meaning to say this for so long but I've not known how to go about it or the right words to say. I want to make sure I do the things I want to express justice with the right words."

He chuckled, "If you're going to propose. I want you to get down on one knee."

I nervously laughed before taking a breath and getting straight into it. "I need to thank you."

"For?"

"You may not remember, I don't expect you to remember, it was a while ago now." I could feel my palms sweat slightly and I tapped my fingers on the table anxiously. "A year, maybe more."

"I'm not sure, you'll have to give me more details."

"It was a really difficult time for me. It's strange and awkward to talk about. I, I -. Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be."

"Just be honest, put it all out and it will be much easier than you think."

"There was time, a year or so ago, I lost myself. My passion for everything, it was just gone. There was no spark in my life anymore. The days were flying by but I felt as though I was standing frozen while it all whizzed by. There was no joy. I couldn't lift myself up and I willed with all of the strength I had left to shake it off but I just couldn't. No one noticed either. Everyone around me seemed oblivious to how I was acting or even reacting to what was going on with me. I was drowning and there was nothing around to cling to. But then, out of seemingly nowhere, you were there. The woman was there. Everything was hard for me at that time but you helped me through. You were honest and blunt, you worried about me and that means so much. You gave me the push in the right direction that I needed. I was too blinded by my own feelings that I didn't know what I needed to do, or I did but wouldn't admit it. You said all that I needed to hear and after that everything worked out. You were there for me. I don't know how to thank you or repay you for being exactly what I needed then."

Edward placed his bottle on the table and stood before making his way to the steps down to the garden. He went to sit on the grass. Thinking of how odd it was for him to walk away from the conversation I followed him down and sat on the grass next to him.

"Be there, like that for me. That's how."

"Of course I will if that's how I can make it up to you then of course."

"Not to make it up to me Whit. I don't want you to feel like you owe me for that. I did it because I care for you, I did even back then when you didn't know me."He picked at a few blades of grass and played with them in his hands. "I never want you to feel that way again Whitney. I don't ever want you to feel alone or that there is no one around to help you. You might feel like you've only just met me a few days ago but I've known you for years. I'm here for you Whitney and I want you to know that you can depend on me for anything. I'll be here for you whenever you need me for whatever you need and I hope that you can be that for me too."

"We both need that, I can be that for you, Edward."