You are my favourite song - Tom Hiddleston fanfic ✓

Chapter 18 - In doubt

On my way back to the hall where we dress the extras my inner voice runs around in circles, screaming the same thing over and over: 'why would Tom do this?!'. When I reach the hall I'm pissed off. Whatever the reason, it would have been nice if he had discussed it with me first. Not even just nice, more like the decent thing to do. Letting his publicist send an email to my boss to relief me of Toms detail is just plain cowardly.
I think about calling Tom about it, but I'd rather do this face to face. I want him to look me in the eye over this.

That afternoon Paul lets me know he'll switch places with me. He's as baffled as I am about the request. "It could just be a way of making sure you two keep it professional at work. After all, it would look bad for you if they found out you're sleeping with a client."
Paul makes a good point. "Could be..." I answer. "But why not tell me about it in advance? I totally would have understood. Now I'm pissed off!"
"Yeah," Paul says slowly. "That's a bit weird."

Kora walks in on our conversation and I give her a short summary of what is going on. "Weird!" she agrees with us. "You don't think that publicist did it without Tom knowing?"
"Could he do that?" I ask perplexed.
"I dunno," Kora shrugs. "The only way to find out is to ask Tom."
"Well, I'm not gonna confront him over the phone." I fold my arms across my chest. "He'll be back in a week. I guess that means he has a week to tell me about it himself, before it takes effect."

After this I find myself doubting everything. I want to call Tom to let him clarify things, to tell me it's all a big misunderstanding, but I might not like his answer at all. I'm mad he's such a coward that he's letting his publicist handle this, from a professional and personal point of view. But my pride is hurt too, so I want him to come to me first. I'm on the verge of tears when I think this is the end of our relationship. All I want is to be in his arms again, when I'm done being mad at him, that is. And I'm toying with the idea his publicist did this behind Tom's back, although that sounds silly. Why would Luke do that?

With my thoughts running back and forth like this I do the only thing I can do: nothing. Oh, and keep on texting Tom every now and then. I just can't help myself, I miss him. I text about casual things, just short messages, and he does the same. This kind of contact is just enough to keep my hopes up, but not enough to get rid of my doubts.

It's a good thing I'm spending the week with my parents on their ranch. I help with the alpaca's, I go on discovery with Ben, and when the sun sets I'm completely tired out from a whole day outside. All in all a great way to keep my mind off things.
That doesn't mean I've got my mind free of Tom. Thoughts of him pop up at random, I just don't have the time to worry about it.

One night, when Ben is asleep and my father engrossed in his crossword puzzle, my mother opens a bottle of wine and pours us two glasses. "Now, dear, tell me what's on your mind. Something tells me it isn't William."
I take the glass of wine she hands me. "No, things with William are running smoothly, all things considered. I think we did the right thing, breaking up."
"Then what else is troubling you? Is it work?"

I always tell my mother almost everything. Not as much as I tell Paul, he gets all the dirty details too, but I can always confide in my mom. However, I haven't told her about Tom yet.
"It's work related, yes..."
"What happened at work that got your emotions all in a bunch?" My mum looks at me attentively. "You go from happy to sad in 0.1 seconds these days. That's not like you."
"It's complicated, mum."
"Well, then let's uncomplicate things!"

I chuckle at my mums resolve. She even positions herself as to show me she's ready to take the bull by the horns.
"Ok..." I take a deep breath. "But you've got to hear me out first, ok?"
My mum nods and I start off. "I met someone. At work. He's an actor."
"You can call him Tom, my dear. I've met the guy, remember?" my mum interrupts me in a matter of fact voice.

"How do you..?" I start to ask, but think better of it. Of course she knows. "Alright, Tom. We hit it off very well and one thing led to another."
"Ok. So you're seeing him now?" Luckily my mum doesn't point out I was in a relationship with the father of my child not long ago. However, she completely forgot I asked her not to interrupt my story.
"Sort of... I don't know. It's complicated." I sigh.
"What's the problem? Is he married?"
"No, mum! He's single. It's just... he is a major Hollywood star. Why would he want me?"
"He'd be lucky to have you, if that's what you mean."

Bless my mother for always having my back. "Thanks. But I'm not so sure of that. I come with baggage. A 3 year old boy to be precise." I point to the picture of Ben on the swing that's hanging on the wall above the couch.
"Hm... Well, if he loves you, he'll love Ben too. If he doesn't, then it's not love." She takes another sip of her wine. "But isn't it a little early to bring Ben into the picture? You've only known the guy for a couple of weeks!"
"I know, mum. And I'm not pushing Ben on him," I tell her. "I don't even know if it will ever come that far. Maybe it's over already."

"Did you have a fight or something?"
"No, but his publicist emailed my boss to tell her I couldn't dress Tom anymore."
"He got you fired?!" my mum calls out, making my father jump up in his chair.
"No no, nothing like that!" I quickly shush things. "I just had to switch with Paul."
"That's not such a big deal, is it?" my mother asks, still looking a bit worried.
"No, it's not. I'm still doing the same job, I'm just responsible for another actor now."
"Okay." My mum seems relieved. I know she thinks it very important for her daughters to have a job, to be financially independent. "What did Tom say about this? Why did he make you switch?"
"That's the thing. He hasn't said anything!" I exclaim. "He's in England now, he'll be back next week."
"But he does know about it?!" My mum looks a bit puzzled.
"I guess. It came from his publicist, he must have given the order, doesn't he?"
"I suppose. Haven't got a clue how these things work, I never had a publicist!" My mum giggles. I think we downed that bottle of wine a bit too quick.

This morning Ben and I got on a plane to Brisbane. Home sweet new home. While Ben plays with his new train I unpack the bags and put our clothes in the washer. I have to pack again tomorrow, for his week with his dad. Work will start again on monday, with Chris instead of Tom. But I hope I'll see Tom before that, or at least be able to talk to him, I'm tired of this stupid mess. I just want to see him again, to know where we stand.