GOOD DOG || Sirius Black

(Thirty Nine: The Worst Birthday)

"I didn't mean to-"

"What?" Micah's voice rose, "You didn't mean to let them die? When they were screaming in that fire, and calling out for help, you just accidentally wrestled my arms behind my back and stopped me going in there?"

Alex's temper flared, "Yes, okay, let's say I let them die."

Micha opened his mouth to respond, but Alex wasn't done yet.

"I let them die." She repeated, "I let them die because, unlike you, I don't have the luxury of running into burning buildings to save the people I love. Because I was too busy trying to stop my idiot brother from doing the same. Because that's the person I am. That is my assigned character in this weirdo, crackpot, acid-trip nightmare of a storyline."

Micah stared at her, shaking his head, "Can you stop for one second and contemplate how selfish that sounds?"

Alex tried for a new tactic. She stepped closer and took her brother's hand in both of hers, holding it between them. Her words when she spoke her soft.

"It's very easy," she said, "When you're just holding one life in your hands, to throw it away. But I can't make that choice. Because maybe you run in there and you save Mum, or you save Dad, or by some miracle you save both of them. And you're the hero at the Christmas dinner table. But maybe you don't. Maybe you die. Maybe the door caves in and the smoke kills you."

Micah made an unappeased noise, "The door didn't cave in-"

"That is the choice I made." Alex said stubbornly, "I let them die, and I live with that, you don't have to, because you're the person who runs into burning buildings. You still tried. But whichever way the coin lands, I still have lives on my conscience. I still let someone die."

Micah shrugged, pulling hands back and shoving them in his pockets, "So I'm meant to feel sorry for you? Is that it?"

"No, I just-" Alex let out a frustrated sound. This was the first day since the fire that she hadn't taken her potion. She could already feel the panic creeping in at the edges, "I just needed you to understand why I did it. I'm fine gambling lives for the greater good, but not yours."

"Aren't you meant to be noble?" Micah asked his sister, a hint of that familiar teasing creeping back in.

A little reluctantly, Alex smiled, "I thought we already established that I wasn't a very good Gryffindor."

"You're standing there right now." Micah said, "I mean, everything we lost, and then the fact that you turn into a murderous animal once a month and the whole defeating the Death-Eaters thing. And you're just standing there. That's pretty Gryffindor to me."

Alex smile faded slightly, and she looked down, "I'll see you around, brother."

"Happy Birthday." Micah said, before he turned to leave.

"Happy Birthday." Alex echoed into the empty room as the front door clicked shut. 

The twentieth of April was the day that the twins both turned sixteen. Alex should feel something about that, she was pretty sure. She was aware that in the muggle world sixteen was a pretty substantial birthday. But, to be perfectly honest, Alex had been taking so much of her potion that most of the time she was barely sure of herself. It was the only way to stop the pain, the only way to keep going.

"Alex? You there?" 

That was Remus' voice, drifting from the backdoor in the kitchen. Alex almost jumped, except her reflexes were so slow now that her head merely turned slowly so that she was looking through the doorway. Two pairs of footsteps were accompanying the familiar soft tread. Alex watched the space until the Lupin boy, Sirius Black and James Potter moved cautiously into the living room.