i am | Royce Love

i am | ChapterOne

           I lie on my bed in my dark room. Lights off, blinds closed, with a candle lit and shining brightly on my nightstand. I tapped my fingers to the soulful beat of Sam Smith's song "Stay With Me" emitting from my earbuds. With my eyes closed, I hugged myself into a fetal position.
"Why am I so emotional?

No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control

And deep down I know this never works

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

Sam sang so deeply, I could feel every emotion. Why can't I be normal like everyone else? Why do people pick on me? I miss my mom. She always saved me from the pain inside. Her peppy attitude and bubbly personality always lit up my world. But now with her gone. .I feel like crap.

I just need someone to talk to .. someone to hold me and make me feel like the world's right again. But no one would do that. I'm too ugly and disgusting for anyone to bear. I can't help how I am, but I wish I could change. Because I don't want to cry anymore... I don't want to stay the same.

Thinking of this easily brought tears to my eyes. A salty tear rolled from the corner of my eye onto my pillow. Followed by a stream of them and muffled sobs in the darkness soaking my pillow for the thousandth time this month. Almost two months down and three to go.
   
Dangit, why am I so emotional?

My mom left me here around two months ago for work, and she left her boyfriend Jeremy to babysit. I hate being stuck here with him. Since the day she left he's always treated me so badly. He talks down on me. He does other things too, but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want to cry harder. There's a group of kids that harass me every day at school. It's happened since freshmen year when the leader of the group, Daniel Simmons, moved here. They talk to me like the ugly and disgusting person I am. That's what they always call me. They even rough me up sometimes. I can't continue to deal with these issues at home and school. It will all be too much before I crack under pressure and have those thoughts again. To do something that will end this terrible life of mine. To free everyone from the horrid person that I am.

A sudden 'boom' in my room caused me to exit my thoughts. I jumped up to see Jeremy at my door which he slammed open. He glared at me rushed over and snatched my earbuds out causing me to shake in fear. He grabbed my shoulders roughly.

"Didn't you hear me calling you, faggot?!" he yelled. I didn't answer him, because I was too afraid to speak. "Huh?!" he voiced, yanking me up by my shirt.

"I-I was l-listening t-t-to my music." I managed to stutter out a few words.

"I didn't ask what you were doing. But since you mentioned it, gimmie that," he pointed to my iPod, "You don't deserve to listen to shxt anyways. You been a bad boy." he added.

I glanced at my music player. That was one of my escapes from this cruel world. I didn't want to give it up. I looked back at an angry Jeremy.

"What the fxck you waitin on? Hand it here boy!" he grumbled shaking me once with the grip he had on my shirt.

I bit my lip to hold in a whimper. He released me roughly allowing me to hand the iPod to him. I gave it to him and he studied it for a second.

He rotated it in his large hands."You like this, eh? The music and shxt," he asked looking down at me.

I nodded quickly. "SPEAK!" he yelled causing me to jump as he lowered his hands to his waist forming fists, one surrounding my confiscated device.

I had my hands clasped together and rubbed my left thumb over the top of my right hand. Something I do when I'm nervous. "Y-y-yes. A lot," I managed.

Please give it back, please give it back, please .

I silently prayed. This is the only thing I have my music on. Besides my Nirvana, No Doubt, John Lennon, Elton John, Prince, Michael Jackson, Rihanna, Beyonce...well I could go on for days. Besides the countless CDs I have. But he took my radio months ago. I sighed thinking of this but his sudden actions made me gasp and almost faint.

He threw my iPod to the ground!   And stepped on it furthering the damage.
My mouth gaped open allowing whimpers to escape. My eyes watered.

He stomped it. "There you go. How much do you like it now?" he chuckled evilly . Oh, how I hate him. I looked at him, distaste in my eyes.

"Wh-Why do you hate me so much?" I breathed holding my heaving chest. I know it may seem like nothing to any other person, but my music was everything. I'm not much of a reader so music helped me escape. Imagine living a terrible life and not having that escape. Exactly.

He stepped up to me. "Because your faggot a** is alive," he whispered coldly inches from my face. Well, that hurt.

I looked down slowly. My lip trembled and my eyes watered once again. He chuckled walking off, but not before kicking the pieces of my iPod into my foot. He was at my door and turned around.

"Oh yeah. Get some fresh air bum. Your useless emo a** been in the house all day." he laughed. What's got him bipolar today? I swear his mood switches so fast.

"Be home when I get back... " He stated firmly before leaving out my room then out to his job. Thank God he's gone.

At least he didn't hit me this time. Well, he wasn't drunk.

I sighed and sat up placing my head in my hands. I'm so useless I should just die. I let tears fall again finally after holding them in and ran my hands through my hair.

"Why me?" I whimpered. "Why me?" I whispered and sobbed loudly and freely now that he was gone.

________________

So what do you think?

I decided to wait for the sadder harsher moments instead of opening with one. I don't think this is one of those. It's just a little close ig. Anyway, please comment and tell me what you think. Characters will be introduced next...

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