Mrs.Fuckup • Spam | completed

December 18, 2016

⚠️⚠️ VERY TRIGGERING ⚠️⚠️

TALK OF SUICIDE

I was done with everything. I had my suicide planed out. I knew ever detail. I knew how not to fail. I knew how to not to get caught. I knew this 6 days before December 18th. My friend noticed I was not doing good at all. I stopped talking, interactivity, trying, paying attention etc. I had completely cut everything and everyone out. Only she and her friend noticed. She was one of my best friends since kindergarten, her friend, we were on and off for years. She came and talked to me and I couldn't hold it in. I needed someone to know. I told her that I was done and just couldn't handle it anymore. I knew how to succeed and I was going to do it that night. She made me promise to give her a week. Give her a last happy week as her best friend. So I promised, I had made it through 14 years what was another week. So I went along and acted happy, actually happier then normal. Now at this time I was going by Alex he/him because I was "trans" and I actually had several teachers that called me Alex despite my birth name being nothing like it. Surprisingly the teachers that called me Alex were ones that I knew and had before. They knew of my issues and respected my wishes as best as possible. { ( I've been through many names, three main ones that aren't my birth name are Amy, Andy and Alex ) ( I didn't start going by Angel until a few months ago ) ( I actually miss going by Alex ) } it didn't help that I had long blonde hair and it always looked like I was wearing makeup even when I wasn't. I had also grown up around all of these people as she/her so nobody really did it until the most popular girl in school started to refer to me as Alex he/him. After she started standing up for me and my name/pronouns everyone started to as well. I would get random "hey *birth-name*" and then a popular kid who never even talked to me since we were in elementary school (tb to when I was popular). But eventually all good things come to an end, and it went back to my birth-name and she/her. This didn't help but I still acted happier then normal and I would get omg you look so good! I missed the old you! Are you a girl again because I miss you happy and a girl! I got so many comments about me being happy and it made me even more sad considering non of these people talked to me before I started acting happy. By that Friday I was doing quite well, I was going to get to talk to my boyfriend and all would be well. I thought that I was going to make it longer than that week for a fat minute before I got home to my phone being blown up by my ex. He and I were on and off for two months. More off then on. He was cheating on me with my best friend ( from a different school near where I lived ) and I found out. I had proof and everything but he still denied it. He had taken all my friends from me except for a few who didn't like him in the first place. He made my life a living hell. He would post and tell me how he deserves better and I was horrible to him and he was so happy I was gone he just wish it were permanent.

December 18, 2016 @4:00am

Saturday night ( early Sunday morning ) we got into it. I'm the time of person who is easily manipulated and he manipulated me beyond fucking belief and I didn't know. He told me that he was going to kill him self and it was my fault. I begged him not to. He would just tell me how he couldn't live knowing how horrible I was and I caused him too much pain to even look at me. Eventually he just came out and said everyone would be happier if you just killed you self. Within the minute I was in the bathroom holding over 150 pills in my hand that were about to go down my throat. By 4:21 am I had 152 pills in my system that shouldn't have been there. I told him that he didn't have to worry about me anymore because I would be gone soon anyways; he left me on read. I went to bed praying to god I wouldn't wake up the next morning. (This was not how I originally planned my attempt I just couldn't handle it anymore so I found the quickest way ). To my luck I woke up. I had blacked out at some point between 4:30 and 11:00 in the morning because I guess I had posted some stuff on Instagram and Snapchat I don't remember posting. I was in so much pain. I was going to let it continue but I was freaking out so I told someone who said if I didn't tell my mom she was going to call the cops and send them to my house. I told my mom what I did and she asked if I knew that would kill me, I told her yes that was the point. She got mad but drove me to the hospital so I wouldn't die. I was hospitalized for two days before I was put into a mental hospital until Christmas Eve.

I would go into detail about the whole hospital visit but I don't think you wanna know that right now. It's a whole other story in itself.

That is what happened last time I let myself hit rock bottom. I haven't seen my little sister (13) or little brother (3) since then. I see my dad maybe once a month. I haven't talked to any of my childhood friends since that Friday before. I haven't seen anyone in my dads side of the family besides one of my aunts and my grandma since it happened. I lost everyone. My mom still doesn't trust me to this day. My brothers (11 & 9) cry every time some mentions me being sad because they think I'm going to try kill myself again.

Suicide is never the answer

I am traumatized from those few days.
I'm scared to death of hitting that point.

I did a week ago, I called my therapist @1am scared shitless because I thought I was going to attempt suicide again and fail. I hate the feelings I have right now because they lead to that low point in my life. This is a big part of why I need to chill out on my phone.

If you read it and were triggered
You were warned!

- lobe forever and always
angel 💕