Build-A-Boyfriend

38

"So why did it all end?"

"She was too controlling." He shakes his head. "I put up with stuff like having to colour co-ordinating our underwear but it just got weirder. In the end, I wasn't allowed to eat without her permission and she'd go crazy if didn't live by all these exact weird rules she set up."

"Wow, that's practically abusive, Zayn." I take a seat on the nearest armchair and look over at him.

"It got me thinking though." Zayn shrugs." Because you know leaving her was easy, but it wasn't supposed to be, was it? Like we were supposed to be a perfect match, and at first we were. But as time went on it was like I became more myself, more what I wanted to be. See the factory can bring you together and match your characteristics, but it can't ever take away free will and if it can't do that, it can't deliver what it promises, no matter how many trials they have."

"That's deep, man." Niall says. "Deep as fùck, brah."

"Right! Here we are!" Harry slaps his hands together, cutting off my reply to Zayn. "Obviously, I don't know the first thing about internet dating, but I managed to find and online guide that I followed to make your profile amazing, Lou."

Harry turns his laptop to face us and we all lean in, even Zayn who is pretending not to be interested.

"Tip 1: Make sure that your main picture is a clear, recent picture of your face. You want to make sure that people can see what you look like without any distraction."

The profile picture Harry has chosen is an extremely close up front camera image of Louis' face. I mean, extremely close up, to the point that there isn't much else in the frame but his face. Attractive though his face may be, the angle and well, closeness, is a little alarming. Zayn lets out a snort of laugher from behind me.

"Tip 2..." Harry goes on. "Make sure that your other pictures give a varied snapshot of your life, hobbies and interests."

All of us turn back to the screen. Bizarrely, Harry has superimposed a massive horse in a picture with Louis with the Photoshop skills of a drunk toddler. I'm assuming that Louis is supposed to be sat on the horse, but he's just taken a picture of Louis in the complete wrong position and literally laid it over the picture of the horse.

"What the fùck is that supposed to represent?" Zayn gapes.

"Louis' heroic asthetic, obviously." Harry sniffs in a dignified voice.

"Dude, he looks like he's about to get funky with the horse." Niall says, turning his head to the side.

Harry glares at him before clicking on to the next pictures, the highlights of which includes a purple-faced Louis being held in a headlock by Juan, Louis and Harry in matching Dobby onesies and Louis playing Harrys bunny land game.

There's a silence after we've seen all the images.

"So he looks like a he's into beastially, hanging out with nut jobs and playing little girls games." Zayn says dryly. "Leave some chicks for the rest of us, Farquaad."

Harry and Louis pout then turn to me, seeking something positive.

"It's certainly... Interesting." I say weakly.

"Mind-blowing." Niall says sagely. "Ab-so-fuckin-lutly incredible, my man. I love it."

Harry beams happily, but judging by the smell of weed clinging to him and the way Niall is gazing out of the window, I'm not sure even he's on the same plain as us.

Bolstered by this vote of confidence, Harry continues.

"Tip 3: Give yourself a memorable, fun username."