Sink ▸ Chris Evans

TWENTY-THREE

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december 31, 2015

chris
Happy New Year, Cole

cole
You're forgetting that you're in New York and I'm in LA and still have three hours until 2016 

chris
What can I say? I wanted to be the first one to wish you a Happy 2016

cole
I appreciate it
I wish I could see you in person
We haven't talked much since your breakup with Ruby

chris
I know and that's my fault. I'm sorry if I made you feel neglected

cole
Not neglected, just worried

chris
You worry about me too much

cole
That's because I care about you so much
What's got you down, Chris? I can tell something's wrong

chris
This thing with Ruby... I just can't help wondering if maybe I'm not the kind of guy that gets to fall in love truly

cole
Don't say that

chris
I'm serious, Cole
I just don't think it's going to happen for me

cole
It will happen for you, believe me

chris
How do you know?

cole
Because you're one of the most amazing, selfless, kindhearted, unfairly good looking guys I know and someone will realize how much of a treasure you are. I promise you, Chris, you aren't going to be alone forever

chris
You've always boosted me up when I've felt down

cole
And I always will

chris
Do you ever think of how different things would have been if we hadn't met?

cole
I try not to think about a life without you in it
You mean too much for me to even consider it

chris
You're always the one telling me how much I mean to you, but you know it works both ways, right? You are the entire fucking world to me sometimes

cole
You don't need to tell me for me to feel it in my heart
We were meant to meet, Chris, I truly believe that
I wouldn't have gotten through my life without you

chris
You would have coped, I promise

cole
No, I wouldn't have
You were truly there for me when Taylor died. I've never felt the weight of the world so heavily on my shoulders and you were there helping me hold it up. I never would have survived that without you. Especially since Charlie and I couldn't talk to each other openly about it

chris
One thing is for sure... Taylor has the best fucking mother in the world. She was lucky to have you. She still is

cole
Love you, Chris

chris
Always love you, Cole

||

      Dear Cole,

      I'm writing this about seventeen minutes into 2016, but the message of what I'm writing has rang true for the past twelve years. Honestly, it's been true since the moment I met you back when we were just kids with no idea what we were getting ourselves into on the set of Not Another Teen Movie. I have no idea if I'll ever send this to you, have no clue if I'll ever get the courage, but I've got to get this stuff down before I explode. I'm in love with you. I think I always have been. I was stupid getting with Ruby when I knew this, but I had given up on the idea of you and me. And then when things with her ended, you were dating Charlie and I saw how happy you were. It broke my heart when the two of you got married. It actually fucking crushed it. But I coped, because I figured anyone who made you smile like that must have been worth it.

      I had convinced myself that you were happy with him and I should move on. So I went back to Ruby. I'm not a shitty person Cole, I promise, I did actually love her. But I don't think I could ever be truly in love with her, not like I am with you anyway. I think deep down she knew it, too. But I was content. Not happy, but comfortable. And then you called me sobbing that night in September and I remember holding you and thinking that you didn't deserve to lose Taylor, not when you would have been the best fucking mother on this planet. I held you and wished with all my might that you would look as happy as you did on your wedding day. Even if it wasn't with me. I've watched you pick yourself back up from the worst possible thing that could happen, and I've watched you grow into a stronger woman because of it and I'm just so fucking amazed by you. 

      I wanted to give you time. I thought maybe if I waited long enough you'd finally be ready to open your heart up again. But I was too late. And now you're happy with Riley and I'm so happy for you because you deserve that and more but I'm suffocating in these emotions and I just needed to get them out before I do something stupid like blurt them out and ruin your second chance at happiness.

      I love you Cole. So much. I just had to finally tell you.

||

chris
Have you gotten anything in the mail lately?

cole
Ugh, some asshole broke into all of the mailboxes in my apartment complex on Tuesday. Why?

chris

Nothing, just sent you a little something but it wasn't a big deal

cole
Hm. I'll keep looking around. Who knows, maybe it was a sign?

chris
It probably was. Just wasn't meant to be, I guess

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