Laying in bed at 3.00 in the morning on a rumbling stomach is not a good feeling.
The only sounds coming from the almost empty road and next door neighboors although it is close to silent.
Except.
For one thing.
My mind, which is a raging fire of emotions, feelings and confusion. Why? I have a good life, two parents who are still together, a step-brother who I am close to. A small group of friends, some nice hobbies, good health, good grades, average popularity.
A ray of moonlight shines on my face, almost highlighting the fault, the mistake.
So, why?
Because among this nice life I have and while it seems like I've got my shit together and I seem totally fine.
I'm.
Completly.
Lost...
Lost in a sea of confusion and unknown. And I am totally alone. The only thought being that everything about this feels wrong, so wrong I don't even know how to start explaining it. Starting from the day I was born and the doctors words 'It's a girl!' To my very own name.
Lily Grayson.
It makes me feel sick, as if I've eaten something that wasn't meant to be eaten. Like a cat eating dead flies. It just shouldn't happen. And the cat throws up later but wait a bit and you'll find it eating flies again. Its unavoidable and wrong on so many levels. I can't do anything about it.
But that's me. It's who I'm supposed to be.
Althought, is it? I don't know what is me and what isn't. My friends call me Li and so does my brother and my mother. My father...that's for another sleepless night. Li feels better than Lily. It's not directly a girls name, it dosen't feel like one at least.
It's been seemingly better since Stephen, my step-brother came out as gay. He seems happier and more free. As if all this time I've known him, he was holding his breath and struggling to breath. But now he's running freely, it's made the house cheerier. At least one of us can be more relaxed.
I glance at the clock again. 3.20 AM. I'll wake up for school in 2 hours and 40 minutes. But, I won't because I havn't been sleeping. Too afriad of my own imagination and nightmares I guess. Harsh but it's true. And it's only a Tuesday.
I reach over and grab my copy of The Hobbit. Might as well make use of my time.
The shower is running, my mother is up. I climb silently out of bed and start to organise my school bag. Next, one of the worst parts of the day, getting dressed. Opening my closet the very sight of a dress makes me feel sick and I opt for a pair of black baggy jeans, a hand-me-down oversized Joker T-shirt and a burgandy hoodie. At least I don't have to wear a school uniform.
I take a deep breath before entering the bathroom and immediaty turning away from the mirror.
Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. I chant in my mind and I hastily change shirts.
Too late.
I catch a glimpse of my feminine body in the mirror and now I stare. A combination of confusion, disgust and wrongness plauging my mind and I turn away. Slower, tears threatning to spill. Once I am done I tug my shoulder lenght hair in a low ponytail and spray on too much men's deoderant I stole from Stephen. The mirror reflects a failure, a girl, a mess. Blueish bags under her eyes, her hair messy, a few spots on her face. I glance at the conceler in the sink and decide for it.
When I get downstairs my mother is making toast.
"Hungry?" She asks, a warm smile on her face. Her soft blue eyes radiate love and I can't help but feel a little better. I nod enthusiasticly despite the awful feeling in my stomach. Half way through my slice of toast and marmite, Stephen makes an appearance, his hair is slightly damp and his head is hung low.
"Someone's a bit tired" My mother remarks and places his breakfast on the breakfast bar. He grunts in response and nodds in gratitude and my mothet ruffles his hair.
"You look like a zombie" I giggle.
"At least I don't look like you" He grumbles, but theres banter in it.
"Touché"
I glance at him again and feel a slight pang of jealousy. If I cut my hair would it look like his? Would it look better even? At least he CAN actually have his hair short. Loud footsteps are heard from above and we both freeze momentarily, trying to detect the where-abouts of their owner. I can't ignore my fingers shaking and my heart beating in my head.
Both of us rush to tidy up our plates and grab our bags before our father reaches the bottom of the stairs. I'm about to head for the front door before Stephen pulls me back into the living room, covering my mouth with his hand. Our father passes straight into the kitchen and he leads me to the back door.
We both heave a sigh of relief when the morning air hits us. No words exchanged and I pull out my earbuds to chase away my thoughts. Eventually he interupts my music.
"Listen"
I pull out one earbud
"Chris is gonna pick me up after school today and I asked him to drop you off at dance first so when you finish look for a blue audi yeah?"
I nod in response and we do our handshake.
High-five
Down-low
TicTac
Link pinkies
Fistbump
We walk off im separate directions and I bump straight into Dylan.
"Watch where you're going Li" He says, reaching out for a hug which I gladly provide.
"Got on the football team yet?" I ask, he puts his arm around me and we head to our form room.
"Nah, I'm on the reserves. Suppose it's better than nothing."
Dylan Morgan, tall black hair, quite handsome, seems cold and good at sports. Everything girls look for, except that he's a huge fan of anime.
"Hey, There's this anime I think you'd really like" He interupts my thoughts. I sit down and roll my eyes.
"Please? Just listen?" He begs, taking the seat next to me
"Go on" I prop my feet on the desk and lean back.
"So there's this scientist and he goes back in time to meet-" soon I'm zoning out. A victim of my thoughts and exshaution, my eye lids are heavy and drooping. If I could get a few minutes of slee-
"WHATS UP YOU GUYS" a loud voice startled me and I stare in surprise at the girl yelling in my face.
"Hey Liz" I say sleepily, reaching over the desk for a hug.
Liz Atwood. Popular with almost every social group. Social life in and out of school, hot and very popular with the guys.
The bell rings loudly and we pick up our bags only to zombie walk to maths.
"Wheres Cam and Ollie?" Dylan asked.
"Cammie is ill and Ollies in-"
Except I don't get to hear where Ollie is because I'm knocked to the ground by someone to fast to catch myself. My head hits something hard, maybe the wooden floor but it hurts and I cry out. Suddenly I can't hear anything and I crawl into a fetal position. Someone leans down near me to pick up a book. The smell of polished leather, Expensive cologne and wood smoke becomed overpowering and I know who it is before I hear his voice.
"Watch it Lily" he says before moving down the corridor, his followers sneering at me as they go past. A wave of nausea and discomfort washes over me. Lily. Oh yeah cuz that's my name isn't it?
Connor Jameson. The badboy of our year, also, coincidently, my biggest crush.
