Head Is Not My Home

Hard to Believe You Could Cause Me Harm

And then they were off to save the world. Somehow, they ended up in the same transport. She wanted to ask him about that, but she didn't. It could wait. There were more important things happening.

It was like a nightmare. Worse than that. Ever since aliens had attacked New York and she had been one of the few people there to stop them, nothing like this had happened. All her training, all her experience, and she could barely comprehend what was going on.

Sleep escaped her that night and she stood in a kitchen – she didn't know whose – and stared out the window, wondering how they could possibly move forward. How her life could continue in any discernable path. This was far worse than dismantling SHIELD or when the Avengers fought each other. At least then, she'd had familiar ground to return to. Now...

"Oh, sorry," a familiar voice interrupted her.

The Wint – Bucky. He looked chagrined but she wasn't about to let him walk away. This might be her only chance and she wasn't going to pass it up. Still, best not to rush into things and startle him.

"That's a nice gun you've been using."

He ran his fingers through his hair and his expression turned rueful. "It's yours."

"Is it?"

"Yeah. I mean, I guess so. I got it out of a locker with your name on it."

She stared at him for a moment, not comprehending. "When?"

"On the quinjet. After you let me and Steve escape. Thank you for that, by the way," he added, moving closer so they weren't having to shout across the room. Not that either of them had been speaking very loudly.

She regarded him, thinking. "Why did you pick my locker?"

He froze. "Seemed like a good place to look."

"You didn't like Sam's guns?"

There was a pause before he shrugged. "I didn't check Sam's stuff. We... weren't on the best terms."

She smiled. "Unlike you and me."

The silence stretched and she waited patiently, intent on pushing him to give some indication about his feelings. Even if he was just uncomfortable with his best friend's friend whom he'd previously attacked. That would be something.

"Look, I... I'm sorry for what happened."

"When?"

He ran his fingers through his hair again, exasperated this time. "Any time. I have a lot to apologize to you for, don't I?"

"No," she replied, and he looked up at her sharply. His eyes were pretty. Even if his expression was more distressed than she would have preferred.

"You're going to tell me it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't me doing any of those things?" His tone indicated that he was tired of that sentiment.

"I'm not." His confusion and maybe frustration was obvious so she relented. "I know what it's like, to be a weapon. To be used however someone else chooses. That doesn't mean I have no responsibility for what I did, though. Just maybe a reason to believe that I can be... more than the monster they made me."

He was watching her warily at first, but then like he had been waiting to hear that for a very long time. "You're not a monster, Natalia," he murmured, stepping closer to her. How had he gotten so close? Barely a foot away. It made her heart pound rather unexpectedly.

"No?"

"No, you're not," he told her firmly, reaching up to touch her cheek very hesitantly.

She bit her lip, thoughts reeling as she tried to figure out what he could mean by this behavior. "What am I, then?"

"You're a good agent, Natalia. The best. You always amaze me. But that isn't all of who you are."

Taking a deep shuddering breath, she realized she was leaning into his hand and tried to decide if she wanted to stop or not. In any case, she was tired of guessing. "Do you remember it all? Our time together when I was young?" It came out as a whisper, but she had finally managed to ask it. Even if the man before her was so different from the one she'd known in the Red Room. Even if he was a whole person and his time as a weapon was just a small part of his life. Even if he had so little in common with her anymore.

"Yeah, I remember everything, Natalia. And you were the one good thing in all of it."

She felt warmth flood her cheeks for the first time in as long as she could remember. Then she leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips. "A little something to let you know I haven't forgotten, either," she told him with a smile.

A grin spread across his face and she felt her heart flutter at the sight. Maybe, when all this was over, there might be something familiar for her after all.