Head Is Not My Home

Gnaw Your Shoulder, Scratch Your Back, Break My Knuckles, Feel Them Crack

Natalia sent the girl back in the direction of the guards, then she and the Winter Soldier found an alleyway in which to hide.

"She wasn't supposed to be there," he kept muttering, shaking his head.

"Hey," she murmured, touching his shoulder. He looked up at her sharply and she had to resist stepping back. Then his expression cleared and he pulled her to him.

"It's been a long time," he whispered into her hair.

She clung to him just as fiercely. "Maybe we'll go back to Moscow soon."

Shrugging, he let go and moved away to look at her. "How is your first field experience going, Natalia?"

The curiosity in his tone made it clear that it wasn't like the countless assessment questions she was always answering. "I like it. Maintaining my cover is not a challenge and civilians appear to be very easy to manipulate."

That brought a laugh at of him and she grinned, enjoying the rare sound. He looked quite handsome when he smiled. "Yes, I'm sure no one would be prepared for what you can do."

High praise indeed, and she flushed slightly. "They've been keeping you busy, I imagine."

He shrugged, smile fading. "Not enough. It's hard to be at the facility and know you're not there," he explained quietly, reaching up to brush a lock of hair behind her ear.

Taking his hand, she pressed a kiss to it. "I miss you, too."

"Come on," he said abruptly, and led her back toward the street. They walked, keeping to the shadows, until he started climbing a fire escape. She followed, wondering how well he knew the layout of this city, as they had certainly strayed far from his designated path to the job. For her part, she wasn't exactly lost but would have to do some retracing of steps to get back to a place she knew.

On the fifth floor, he opened a window and they slipped inside what was clearly a hotel room where he was being kept. She had only a moment to take in the scene before he pulled her to him again.

Natalia returned to her room very late, hoping that lessons wouldn't start too early in the morning. She managed to avoid being seen and dropped heavily onto her bed. Exhaustion caused her head to nod but she forced herself to stay awake long enough to change out of her tac gear and put it all away. Then she slid back into her bed, trying not to dwell on the thought that it might be a long time before she saw him again.

Weeks passed. One morning, Madame B announced to all the girls that they would be going back to Moscow for a little while. Their covers would remain intact, but it was common for there to be a break between shows. The rest of the company who was not employed by the Red Room would be returning to their families, and it might be suspicious if they did not do the same. So, they would claim to return to their loved ones while they really returned to the Red Room.

Natalia struggled to hide her excitement at the thought of seeing the Winter Soldier again. Assuming he was still there. Assuming he wasn't on another mission. Assuming he was even still being used by the Red Room. The last one wasn't one she cared to consider further – what would she do if he was moved to another department? She had been able to glean that he had come here from Siberia and there was always the chance that he might go back.

The travel took several days, but soon she was standing in her old familiar room. It was strange to consider that she felt relieved to be here again. Almost like coming home. Not the same as the home she'd had with Ivan, but perhaps close to it. The first morning was just like the dozens before it, and the ballerinas rejoined the Widows ranks as though they had never left. It was a long day, especially since she was waiting so impatiently to be released for the evening. To find out if the Winter Soldier was here or not.

Just as their last class was ending, Madame B showed up in the doorway. That was never good news and the Widows looked at her apprehensively.

"Natalia," she said calmly, and the relief in the room was palpable.

Hiding her dismay at being singled out, Natalia trailed after the other girls as they left and stopped in front of the headmistress. There were plenty of reasons Madame B might want to talk to her, she tried to reassure herself as they waited for the others to be out of earshot. Not that such a tactic was really all that effective in a school of spies.

"Your first field job has been a resounding success, my dear. You have outpaced your peers yet again."

"Thank you, Madame," she answered dutifully.

The woman smiled at her. "As a result, we have selected a very special job for you. Come along."

Pleased by the praise, Natalia followed her. And had to hide her fear when it became apparent that they were going to the room where treatments were done. Madame B did not say another word as Natalia obediently got into the chair and laid back. Glancing at the headmistress, she had time to wonder if she would remember the Winter Soldier the next time she saw him before everything went black.

The Winter Soldier was standing just outside the door, apparently unaffected by the snow around him. Perhaps he lived up to his name, she thought idly as she walked over to him. His expression brightened at the sight of her.

"Winter Soldier," she said formally and his face immediately became impassive.

No, that wasn't right. He should be happy to see her – she was happy to see him, though she wasn't sure why. Oh well, perhaps he could explain things to her. "I wanted to tell you that I am betrothed to Alexei Shostakov, the pilot," she felt compelled to tell him. He was watching her carefully, assessing. She didn't think she liked that, so she stood on her toes to kiss him.

His kiss was tentative and he didn't otherwise move. When she stepped back, he was still watching her. "Thank you, comrade," he said slowly. "For coming here in person to tell me of your forthcoming marriage."

He waited, as though expecting her to speak. She didn't know what to say, or what she was supposed to say, so just looked at him hopefully.

"We were sweethearts, now we are not." The phrasing brought a smile to her face, though she wasn't sure why. "It is a great honor to marry a test pilot hero of the Soviet Union," he continued, faltering at her smile.

"Yes, Comrade Winter Soldier. I only fear that such a marriage may lessen my usefulness to the Bolshoi." She stopped, shook her head. "No, that's my cover story. I mean, to the Red Room."

A look of concern had come over his face, but he was prevented from saying anything by footsteps approaching.

"Natasha?!"

She stepped back instinctively, somehow knowing that she shouldn't let anyone see her like this. Besides, the person who called her name made her want to smile, too. She turned around and knew he was... Ivan! That was his name.

"They gave me leave to come and see you. Obviously what I hear about you getting married can't be true," he said as he got close enough not to shout, glancing uncertainly at the Winter Soldier. The latter's expression had become impassive again.

"Ivan! I can't tell you how pleased I am to see you," she told him and embraced him. Yes, Ivan. The man who had taken her in, who had trained her before coming here. Here being the Red Room, not the Bolshoi – that wasn't real. Well, she had worked for them, but it was because the Red Room told her to. Wasn't it? And what about the Winter Soldier? Was she supposed to be kissing him? Or Alexei?

"I can't tell what's true anymore," she whispered in Ivan's ear, aching for him, for anyone, to explain things to her.