hey, so i've been feeling really awful lately. i don't feel i can trust anyone because i feel like they either wouldn't get it, try to make the situation about themselves, or simply wouldn't care. so i made this lil' thing instead. i'll be documenting a lot of things on here so if you'd like to read, feel free. maybe you can relate.
i don't know the root of my problems. i don't know why i am the way that i am. i suppose most of the time it all comes back to loneliness, yeah? i've been homeschooled for my entire life so i've never really had any friends until i was fourteen, which was two years ago, so friendship is still a little difficult for me. i have a best friend and i love her to death but i feel like she doesn't like me all that much. lately, she's been acting so much different with me. she's so much more aggressive and dismissive. and it really hurts. the thing is, we both met through the same fandom, on instagram, and while we both changed fandoms, we went into completely different ones, which isn't a bad thing, it's great but she honestly couldn't give a shit about mine. i let her talk and talk about all this and i've even made an effort to watch some of the shows and i listen to what she says. but i feel like if i brought up my fandoms even once, she'd be so disinterested and instantly shut me down or change the subject. and i've tried making friends with people who share my interests but we never keep conversation and i never hear from them ever again.
another thing would be my girlfriend. we've had some disagreements in the past but nothing major. we've been dating for a little over a year and as great as it's been, i'm fucking miserable. it's like she doesn't care. i've talked with her about this but absolutely nothing has changed. she's the exact same. i say i'm feeling shitty, nothing. she can rant and vent to me, that's fine, i'm there but if i do it, all i get is, "babe, my mom's like that too," or "you'll get used to it, ignore it," or some fucking bullshit. why would you say that to anyone? it makes me feel worse. yeah, i'll get fucking used to it. i did. i got used to my parents doing nothing but argue, i'm used to being fucking hit and yelled at, i'm used to my friends not giving a fuck, and i'm certainly used to you being unsupportive.
and back to my family, ohmygod. they can say they love me, but when they yell at me, force me into extremely uncomfortable situations, hit me, and do nothing but argue, i have trouble believing it. it wasn't always like this and i don't know what happened but it's all fucking changed. my dad's never home, i never see him unless it's to fucking yell at me or my mom, or siblings. my mom is so controlling and angry all the time. my older sisters seem to ignore my existence. my little brother is the biggest fucking sexist asshole i've ever met and my little sister can't keep her fucking mouth shut and won't stop picking at every little thing wrong with me. i can only take so much verbal and physical abuse.
i used to be so happy, my family used to be together and happy, what the fuck happened? my friends and i used to be close, what happened? my girlfriend and i used to be inseparable, what happened?
is it me? i've built this personality for me, where i'm happy, kind of an asshole, but happy. i feel like i've been living in this pretend for so long it's causing me serious problems. i need serious psychiatric help but my parents would never let me because according to them, "it's a phase you'll get out of." no, it's not. most phases don't last for six plus years.
i'm so close to being forgotten by my friends, so close to being completely irrelevant to my family. and having something and then losing it, becoming alone, is the worst loneliness i've ever experienced.
i'm so close to just ending everything. i was thinking about my own funeral last night. about the service, my body laying in a casket, my extended family wondering what happened. my youth director wishing she'd done something. and my family regretting everything. although, i don't think i'd feel bad. maybe a little. i already feel guilty enough, planning this whole thing but i honestly just can't handle it. nothing is going to change, everything is staying the same and i can't live like this. i can't. i'm fucking insane.
i can't sleep at night, i'm afraid. i can't stop certain thoughts. i can't control my emotions. i cause harm to myself because i don't know what the fuck to do. i can't function anymore. i just can't. just let me fade into a distant memory.
