Bubblegum and Cigarettes

12

"Here," the man said as I went to walk by him with a tray of dirty glasses and plates. I paused and smiled as he winked and tried to slip me a £10 note.

"What's that for?" I asked playfully, taking it.

"Your lovely face," he said back and his eyes went up and down my figure. Swallowing any foul words I nodded, thanked him and then went to put the note in the tips jar behind the counter. Linda was cutting up slices of cake and chattering away to me as if I actually gave a damn about anything she had to say. I nodded along making the appropriate sounds every now and again and then wandered off to take someone's order.

I had a psychology exam the next day and as I sat cross legged on my bed with all my notes scattered around me I felt a horrendous foreboding feeling in my gut. I felt like I was doomed before I'd even begun. I tied my hair back and tried to focus, Queen playing quietly on my CD player to drown out any other noises. Pulling my ashtray closer to me I sparked up and took a long pull, closing my eyes and trying to calm down. I hated exams. I hated the pressure and the atmosphere around them. Hated the way we had to cram around the hall waiting nervously to be ushered in where we had to stumble around trying to look casual and find our places. It was like musical chairs: no one wanted to be the last one standing.

Mum knocked on the door and came in quietly with a cup of tea and put it on my bedside table. "I'll let you off this time," she gestured to the fag as she made her way out again. "How's the revision coming along?"

"Great," I snorted unsure if I was being sarcastic or for real.

"Good girl Jessica," she rested her hand on the door handle. "I'm proud of you. You may not have noticed it but you have actually done quite a bit of revision. I'm sure you'll do just fine in the exam." She smiled and for the first time since before grandma died her eyes proper lit up and sparkled. They came alive.

"Hi," I said as I packed away my notes for the night having decided a bath and bed was the best option. I held the phone a little tighter to my ear.

"You wanna go out?" Clarissa sniffed.

I frowned and checked the time: 9:23. "No." I told her it was too late. She sounded annoyed but not that upset and snapped that she'd rather hang out with Afia anyway. I laughed, "That's nice." And went to run myself an extra bubbly bath. I slipped so low that I was submerged completely under the warm water and my hair swirled around my head with a life of its own.

It reminded me of when I was small and I used to pretend I was a mermaid trapped in someone's bath. I made a whole game up out of it. That was the times when I didn't bring my entire collection of Barbies' and then Bratz. I swished my head from side to side feeling the lax wave of hair brush against my back.

When I got out I went downstairs and gave mum a peck on the cheek then went to bed. It surprised her so much it rendered her speechless. I chilled on my bed trying not to think about the looming exam practically crushing down on my future. I had a few sips of Schnapps which turned into a bottle and then I fell asleep.

I stood in the middle of the crush going through all the psychology notes in my mind. We went in and I tried to remember my seat: E8. I was so preoccupied with trying to remember everything and getting to my seat that I staggered into someone else's table where with a resounding squawk the desk and I went clattering to the ground. The hall fell even more silent if that was possible. An invigilator hurried over and offered me a hand up. I knew I shouldn't have had any more Schnapps on my way here it was only fucking up this experience even further.

"Alright?" She asked and brushing myself down I nodded meekly. She helped me to my seat and then hesitated. She lent down so she could whisper, "Have you been drinking?"