Unsustainable [VKOOK]

Reflection

The sudden light illuminating the bathroom makes him squint when he reaches for the switch, and he blinks a few times while making his way towards the cupboard he knows his precious pills are in. However, he suddenly catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror hanging several steps away, the reflection making him stop into his tracks as it catches his attention.

Forgetting about the pills for a few seconds, Taehyung slowly walks towards the piece of glass while his eyes are slowly wandering from his head to his toes. He can't recognise himself, and his Adam apple bobs up and down when he realises the person in front of him looks like a complete stranger. It's been so long that he hasn't really looked at himself, as during almost three years he has avoided the mirror as much as possible, not wanting to see his wrecked state after Yoongi's death and then how much of a mess he was after Jungkook betrayed him. Afterwards, the fact he was the one cheating also prevented him from taking a glimpse at himself, since Taehyung was afraid he would be crushed by guilt and remorse if he saw the person he had become. But tonight, it's as if his eyes are glued to his reflection, as if after all that time his brain is finally forcing him to take a look at himself, at who he really is now. The least Taehyung can say is that he doesn't like the slightest what's in front of him.

The roots of his dyed hair are beginning to return to their initial dark colour, the strands now so long that they will soon reach his eyes. These ones are injected with blood, resulting from all these sleepless nights, and the dark circles under it only enhance this impression of tiredness. His cheeks and nose are still a bit red from his earlier crying session, as he hasn't been able to prevent the tears from rolling down his cheeks at one point during the night, when he was trying to fall asleep and was dwelling on the past a bit too much. His lips aren't in a better state, red and abused from Jimin's eagerness to kiss him earlier. That overall wrecked and exhausted state is emphasized by a few little wrinkles that he notices here and there, greatly horrifying him as it is a good way to remember that his twenty years old are long gone. He didn't have these before his brother passed away, so that he assumes these last three years' events have made his body age twice as fast.

Acting on the spur of the moment, Taehyung suddenly grabs the hem of his hoodie before removing the latter, letting the piece of fabric fall on the floor with a soft thud, and it's quickly followed with his sweatpants so that he ends up wearing his boxers only. His lips part and a shaky sigh escapes his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut for a brief second before a little voice in his mind urges him to look again. His hand trembles when he grazes the little surplus of fat on his belly that he has gained over these past months, more than often relying on food and especially sugar to help him cope with the tough reality. Jimin hadn't cared, making him forget about his imperfections by leaving red marks and kisses all over his skin, but right now there isn't any hickey he can focus on to help him forget about the rest of his body.

"I'm disgusting..." Taehyung thinks, wondering how Jimin had been able to touch such an ugly body without wincing. A sudden thought appears in his mind the second after, and he gulps wondering how Jungkook would react if he could see him now. It's been so long they haven't seen each other naked, Taehyung is positive they won't even recognize the other's body if they have sex again. But he doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want to disappoint Jungkook, he wants his husband to find him beautiful, which would be quite a feat in the state he's in now. He knows that physical appearance isn't the most important aspect in a couple, but he's certain it does play a role. Because how can Jungkook want to make love with him if he doesn't like how he looks? How could he run his hands on a body he doesn't find attractive?

Taehyung suddenly feels the urge to change, to erase as much as he can of his imperfections so that Jungkook will look at him the same way he used to, with a loving and sometimes even proud gaze. It makes him feel like he has a goal now, something to focus on until his next encounter with his husband a month later, and a little smile blooms on his face at this thought. He's going to make Jungkook fall for him all over again, he makes this promise to himself.