FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

23.

"I'm so sorry, Mace."

"That's not even the worst part..." He sighs and looks away.

"What could be worse than that?" 

"I was there with him."

"You were with him when he died?  Dear God...  What happened?  Why was he killed?  What happened to you?"

"I got hurt too...  My father tried to protect me, saying that I was just a child, his child, to get some mercy from the bastard, but he just abandoned us.  When the medics arrived, Dad didn't want to be helped before I got all the care I needed.  I left with them with the promise that other paramedics were on their way and that we would see each other back at the hospital.  I never saw him again.  He died right after I left.  I will never forgive myself for that, Grace."

"Let it out, Mace."  I pull him to my chest and press his head against my breasts.  "It is not your fault.  It has never been and will never be."

I did that to show him that I am irrevocably there for him.  I want to comfort him with all of my heart.  But I also didn't want him to see me cry.  He needs my support and there's no way that I will let him know how it affects me to know that.

He was just fifteen!

I rub his back as his embrace becomes stronger.  I kiss the top of his head as my heart breaks to realise how selfish I have been tonight and all of those times.  I can't believe he went through all that.

And as if nothing ever happened, he straightens up and wipes his tears turning his back to me and I panic.  He sits in the middle of the bed, his head hidden in both of his hands, as I can see his back moving with the silent sobs he is making.  I try to understand what is going on and that is the only explanation I find.

"Mace, it's completely natural to let all this pain out.  You are so strong.  You have been so strong all your life.  It's OK to show how hurt you are.  It isn't weakness.  You can not talk about it anymore, but I just want you to know that I am here for you.  I am not leaving you."  I tell him softly hoping it can give him some sort of comfort, but he doesn't move, apart from every breath he takes.

I rub his back and for the first time, I literally feel every scar he has on his skins.  There isn't just one.  I feel three little bumps and an inch long one at the top of his back, close to his neck, under his right scapula.  Instinctively, I pull him closer and press my lips to kiss it.  I embrace his back the best that I can, realising that he has been through so much more than anyone could think of.  He might be one of the bravest man I know.  I admire him.

"He would be so proud of you."  I let out, resting my cheek to his skin getting cooler than it was earlier.  I really try to bring him all the supports he needs.

"You don't know that."  He lets out coldly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, before he turns his head to look at me.

"I know I am.  I have an absolute trust in you, Marcel."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like I know you."

"I have told you too much."  The coldness of his tone is only getting harder.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know.  Is it?"  I can't have a clear view of his face and I get horrified to how guarded he quickly becomes.

"It isn't for me.  I really like getting to know you.  How do you feel about it?  I feel like you might be more conflicted about it than me."

"I feel like I don't know you so well and I have little reason to trust you."  He surprises me and I can't hide the shock on my face.  I feel completely blindsided.

My heart literally drops the lowest it can.  I feel myself sinking deep into the bed and it takes everything inside of me to stop the tears rushing into my eyes from falling.

"You don't know me as much because I have been the asking all the questions.  You are welcome to do the same.  Did I ever give you a reason not to trust me?"

I kneel on the bed, getting desperate and lost.  He can't shut me out like that.  He knows me.  Where is this coming from?!

Tears fall from my eyes as he looks away.  His eyes look lost, completely oblivious to how he is crushing me right now.  He stands up and gathers his clothes outside of the bed.  He leans to take them from the floor and only looks at me once he is dressed up again.

"This has been... fun.  In another life, in another time, I'll see you around."  He says very formally as if it meant shit.  What the fuck is going on!?

I get up as well and he makes his way out of the room.  I take a shirt and put it on my naked body just to cover me.

"Why are you shutting me out?  Marcel?"  I run to him by the door as he is clearly shutting me out.

"Goodbye."  He only says the time our eyes connect deeply together in a way that brings chills to my body and tears to my eyes.

He opens the door and leaves the flat, closing the door quickly behind him to make sure I don't follow him.  I am too struck to know what to do or know what to think.  I have trouble breathing, my throat is dry.  My forehead collides with the door as I can't contain the sobs anymore.  I feel completely empty.  I don't know what happened. 

He just left me.  I thought we had something.  He just ended it.  I don't even know what it was, but we connected.  Never have I felt more understood in my life.  We are both two problematic person, but, together, it works.  We balance each other.  I know he doesn't trust easily and that's why I felt so lucky to be.  Why did he just say the contrary?  He even told Sophie I was one of the four people he trusted in his life.  What happened?

I have been true and genuine and loving and understanding and he throws it all in my face like I am nothing, without even a single warning.  I guess Sophie had given me the warning.  She knew he would leave me like he did with that other woman.  I should have known.  I should have fucking known.

My brain gets fucked with all the memories and the questions running through my head that I just want to shut down the voices.  I'll face reality tomorrow.  I need to change my mind.

I can't believe what just happened...
We had something so special...
All I have been doing was standing completely naked for him, emotionally.  I let him in without any guard, just a curiosity that lead me to be genuinely attracted to the person he is through our close work relationship.
He is just afraid. 
It's not your fault.
He has been abandoned by everyone in his life and when he realises that I wasn't going to, he got scared.
He told me that I was ruining his routine.  Maybe he is just lost.
I wanted so much to be there for him, to make him see the greater things in life without being alone or unhappy or cold all the time.  He is a genuine wonderful being, he has shown me minutes ago.
I can't believe he shut me out again. 

When I take over all my emotional distress, I get back into my room and I can see, feel and smell him everywhere.  I get another wave of tears rushing through me.  I decide to make my overnight bag already and put it next to the door.  I take a pillow and a blanket and lay on the couch to get some sleep.  I program an alarm to leave early in the morning.  I take my phone and decide to watch videos of my adorable and hilarious James Corden.  He can always bring a smile to my face and I need it. 

The next morning, I get up and get dressed without making a sound.  I take my things and leave a note to Sophie.

"Hi Sophie,

I will be gone more than three days.  You were right about everything.  The boys have a show in Manchester next week.  I will stay there until then.  You are welcome to join me.  Text me whenever.  I look forward to get the gang back together.

I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person.

Take care of yourself.

Lots of love,

Grace -xx-"

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