dylan
i studied myself in the full body mirror placed on the back of my door. i tried not to gag as i looked my body up and down in disgust.
i don't mean to be this rude to myself, my mom has told me to stop being so hard on myself too, but it just comes naturally. everything i do annoys me. the way i talk, the things i say, the stuff i wear, you get it.
"you almost ready?" my older step sister julie walks in making me jump because i was so lost in self loathing.
i nod my head slowly, knowing that i really am not ready. i'm not ready to go into a new school with people i don't know and people who i will never know due to my horrible anxiety that keeps me from talking to people.
maybe i'm just not ready for high school in general. middle school was hard enough even when i was going to school with most of the people i had grown up with, i even considered getting homeschooled because of how bad my depression was but my mom didn't agree, and everyone knows that in high school it just gets worse. let alone having to go to high school with strangers.
"alright." julie says from the doorway. it's like i could hear her smiling because of the tone in her voice. "you look pretty, dylan."
i laugh at her and finally lock my brown eyes with her green eyes. before saying anything i admired her true beauty. i've envied julie since the beginning of the summer when my mom and i first moved in with her and her dad, and it's easy to figure out why i do. she's beautiful inside and out.
on the outside she's not too skinny, nor too heavy, her figure is perfect, unlike mine; for i am underweight and my figure is unbelievably unattractive, at least to myself. her hair sits right above her shoulders in brown natural bouncy curls and she has the most beautiful freckles on her cheeks just to compliment her tan skin. her lips are soft and plump, her eyebrows are a perfect shape, and she looks just as beautiful with makeup on as she does without it. not to mention, she has the prettiest eyes i've ever seen.
what really tops everything off about julie is her personality. she's very genuine, and very sweet. she'll make you laugh even if you are having what you consider the worst day of your life. she puts everyone she loves before herself, and lastly she's not afraid to be who she really is. julie and her girlfriend katie are going on four years this upcoming winter.
i, on the other hand, am not in any way as beautiful or as confident and sweet as julie. i'm too skinny. my hair is a plain black, it goes down to about my boobs and is very thin and frizzy. my skin is pale and although i have clear skin it doesn't matter because all i've ever wanted was to be tan. my eyes are brown, i've seen pretty brown eyes, and mine just aren't. i'm very unskilled in the makeup industry, even as hard as i try i'll never get where i want to be, meaning i never feel pretty because i never have makeup on. i believe that it would make me somewhat pretty. last but not least, i'm very short and my teeth aren't straight.
for the personality i'm okay. i think i could be very sweet and caring and loving, but i can't show anyone that because anxiety and shyness is holding me back.
the thing i do hate the most about myself, though, is the fact that i'm afraid to be who i am. i'm afraid to tell people that in my free time i listen to calming music and read my favorite books over and over again. im afraid to wear the clothes i want to wear because people will think that it's weird. i'm afraid to sing in front of anybody besides my mom even though it's my favorite thing to do, right next to writing music. i could list everything i'm afraid to do but it would take hours. the thing i hate most of all, i'm afraid to let anyone know that i am a closeted bisexual.
"thank you. you too." i finally snap out of my thoughts and smile back at her, soon to be following her out of my room and into the living room where my step dad was waiting patiently on the couch to take both julie and i to school. julie can drive but she doesn't have a car of her own and her dad doesn't exactly trust her to drive to school safely.
the car ride was awkward. i'd never been in the car with them without my mom, so i didn't have anything to do with their conversation because i felt out of place doing so. i sat in the backseat quietly, twiddling with my fingers and shaking my leg to distract myself from the fact that i was going to panic in any second.
once we pulled up at the school tons of students were scattered across the outside of it, some walking into the school and others just standing there with a group of people. getting out of the car was the toughest part.
somehow, a long thirty minutes later i had made it to my first class. my first class being history. the desks were big meaning that two people each would sit at them, and i felt myself panicking again.
a desk in the back was empty so i hoped to god that this was a small class and i could sit alone. once i took my seat i situated my things and waited for the bell to ring.
the teacher was going on about class rules, the expectations of the class, and other stuff that we might be expected to do this year. i was trying my hardest to pay attention. that is until a girl with the most unique style walked into the room.
her clothing was unique, her hair was beautiful, as was she, and all i wanted was for her to sit somewhere else in the room, not next to me, there were other seats.
"do you have a pass?" my history teacher finally spoke as he eyeballed her just standing there like a deer in headlights.
"yeah." the girl handed him her pass and took a look around the room before heading to the back of the room where i was located.
finally taking her seat the unique girl sat right where i hoped she wouldn't. she glanced at me, kind of smiling, kind of not, and i smiled back feeling almost more nervous than i was when i had got out of the car earlier today.
i know i had said that my step sister julie has the prettiest eyes, but i'm now convinced that the unique girl sitting next to me in history class has the prettiest eyes. they were a pretty blue but almost grey at the same time. she's truly beautiful, like a movie star beautiful and i felt nervous to be so close to her.
( dang idk if i like this or not it's so rushed hhh if there's any mistakes im SORRY i wrote this to distract myself from the fact that im incredibly sad and usually it takes longer than two hours to get an okay chapter lmao. if youre reading this please tell me if you like it, it means a lot! also follow my instagram pls it's an ugly spam acc but i love making friends. @/softsummy )
